Friday, October 19, 2012

BD Round 2 Revised Logline #18

Original Post #36


December 1980. Alden and his brother feel compelled to prevent the attack on John Lennon after learning the killer was inspired by Alden’s published memoir. 


  1. Better than the original. I like this and would definitely read the book.

  2. I like it, too, though it reads more like a pitch. But I think you have the stakes and everything else needed to hook the reader.

    1. I don't know the difference between a pitch and a logline. I've tried reading various explanations of each, but I can't quite figure it out. Anyone else have a clear explanation?

  3. This is a lot more clear and to the point than the original, but now I'm missing your voice that came across so nicely in your original. Maybe you could combine the two versions and include the conflict between the brothers that your first logline hinted at ? Just a thought ... Good luck with this, it's a fun premise!

  4. maybe i'm dense, but how would he know the attack on lennon is going to happen? i remember this one from before and think it's great but not sure that logline is clear. good luck!!

  5. I saw this one before and I really like the premise. I think clarifying the genre makes the most difference. Alternative histories are really cool and Lennon is so iconic and well-liked that I think a lot of people will be interested in reading this. I also think that adding the date makes a big difference. I'm hoping that the book itself has a lot of 80s flavor!

    This version is much more clear. I think it does exactly what a logline should. It sets up the main character and his goal as well as the stakes. I'm kind of with Anya that we're missing the brother conflict, but maybe that's okay. The logline is really just the first line of the query, right? The sentence or two that sets up the character, conflict, and stakes. Then the rest of the query explains the details.

  6. I think this will garner attention simply because it's about John Lennon. But what's missing are the stakes. We know John Lennon will die if they fail, but what is at stake for Alden? And what about the world? What happens if history if changed?

  7. I'm in. Simple and intriguing. I want to read the story.

  8. An interesting and compelling idea. Lots of possibilities in this one. But, two things: "Feel compelled" could be stronger, something like "must act" sounds better. And what are the stakes in their lives if they fail?

  9. Much cleaner than the original, but I feel like it lost some personality, especially in regard to the relationship between the brothers.
    Also, I like knowing its "alternate" history - that means there are real stakes in the story.

  10. I think this one is a lot more clear and concise, but agree it has lost something in regard to the conflict between the brothers. I'm not sure how to fix that except to perhaps mention that the memoir was stolen and published by Alden's brother.

    Perhaps something along the lines of:

    December 1980. Alden and his brother feel compelled to prevent the attack on John Lennon after learning the killer was inspired by the memoir Alden’s brother stole and had published.

    Eh, yours is cleaner. But, I think the fact that his brother stole and published the memoir behind his back adds to greatly to the sense of conflict.