Saturday, October 27, 2012

BD One Last Chance Logline #25

GENRE:  YA paranormal thriller

When a hospital employee preys on unconscious patients, a seventeen year-old girl’s soul becomes trapped inside his body. Now Lauren must find a way out before she disappears like his other victims. Or worse…becomes a permanent part of him.


  1. I like this. Just one little thing.

    seventeen year old Lauren...body. Now she must...

    Usually the MC's name is used first then use a pronoun. Looking forward to the first 250. Good luck.

    Violet - entry 29

  2. Agree with the above. The way it starts with the hospital employee makes it seem like he is the main character. Seems like the first sentence should start —Seventeen-year-old Lauren's soul is trapped in side the man who preyed . . .

    Good luck. Sounds interesting.

  3. I would lead with Lauren rather than the hospital employee. "When seventeen-year-old Lauren's soul becomes trapped in the body of a ..."

    Other than that, it's short and to the point. And I'm intrigued.

    Best of luck!

  4. I agree with the others, start out with Lauren. I also think you have enough space to tell us a little about the hospital employee. It is obviously some type of supernatural creature, is there a name, a common or well known creature used in this genre? Other than that it's fine, I think. I'm totally intrigued and the first words to come out of my mouth when I read this was, "Snap...that's serious." haha.