Saturday, October 27, 2012

BD One Last Chance Logline #7


Title: Children of Ink
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

Fifteen year old Callypso Moon can secretly create with words but when she stumbles across a note written by her dead father she discovers that said gift might not be so secret. When one of her father's old enemies sends men to kidnap her, Callypso finds herself suddenly thrust into a world of unresolved grudges and gifts that rival her own and she must decide whether or not to bail out as quickly as possible, or help others out of the mess her father created.

4 comments:

  1. This looks like an intriguing story, but there may be too many ideas. Can you boil it down more?
    eg. "...can secretly create with words..." What does this mean? ie. you need to explain why it's a gift ie. why the reader should care.

    Also, I suggest breaking up/trimming the second sentence; I found it tough to follow.
    Loglines are not easy to write, so I would say this is a good stab but needs work.

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  2. Sounds very interesting. To tighten this up a little, I'd put a period after "her own." Then I'd reword the last sentence: She must decide whether to bail or help others out of the mess her father created.

    Good luck!

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  3. This sounds very similar to Cornelia Funk√ę's Inkheart trilogy re: word world-shaping powers not being so secret. But then this also sounds a lot like the new Tron movie wherein the protagonist plunged into a dangerous where his dad was a rockstar and has to navigate through a dangerous world against even more dangerous opponents.

    Anywho, on to your log line--these would be my revisions:
    Fifteen year-old Callypso Moon can secretly *create with words. But when she stumbles across a note written by her dead father, she discovers that her gift might not be so secret. When one of her father's old enemies sends men to kidnap her, Callypso finds herself **thrust into a world of ***grudges and ****powers that rival her own and must decide whether to bail out as quickly as possible, or help others out of the mess her father created.

    *create is a very bland verb that doesn't really say what Callypso's powers are, and I'd suggest something stronger.
    **thrust implies the suddenly, and you don't need both.
    ***see above with "unresolved grudges"
    ****unless you can put a bow on it, I wouldn't call it a gift. It's too vague for this, again.

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    Replies
    1. Also, I'm post #20, Codename Eagle Chick, if anyone wants to know.

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