Friday, October 19, 2012

BD Round 2 Revised Logline #17

Original Post #10

Title: Interwoven Deceptions
Genre: Urban Fantasy

A blind educator vows to rescue her students, kidnapped by demons, with the aid of her police detective lover and her mentor. She must also reinstate her psychic talents to travel to the demon world to restore their isolation and stop them from conquering humanity.


  1. Sounds like the police detective lover and her mentor aid the demons. Maybe "A blind educator, aided by her police detective lover and mentor, vows to rescue her students who were kidnapped by demons. To do this, she will have to travel to the demon world to stop them from conquering humanity." The 'restore their isolation' part is confusing.

  2. Lovely concept. Couple of points. I'd suggest deleting the 'with the aid of her police detective lover and her mentor', to make it less confusing.
    Also, something stronger than 'restore their isolation'
    If she'd been hiding her talent and now is forced to unmask it to save the kids, then that would an important conflict, too. What would happen to her once she unmasks her talent?
    Best of luck

  3. I agree with the comments above for revising, but I'd also like to see a little more voice. Sometimes putting your pitch in words your main character would use can be helpful with that. Otherwise, I think you've got an interesting idea here with plenty of possible complications!

  4. I agree with what the others have said. Maybe something along the lines of: "When her students are kidnapped by demons, a blind teacher must re-instate her psychic powers and travel to the demon world in order to rescue the students and close the portal between worlds (I'm assuming this is what you mean by "restore the isolation") to prevent the demons from conquering humanity." It's a bit of a long sentence, but you get the idea. Good luck!

  5. Yes, go with K Callard's suggestion. Play up the blind teacher bit - that's what makes this story different.

  6. Be careful of your pronouns--in your last sentence it's not clear what "their" and "them" refer to.
    I also think the mc sounds really interesting--if you could get a little more of a sense of her it would be great.

  7. Some good advice above:) Lots of exciting things to work with here, but agree on the reworking, especially with the pronouns for clarity. The MC being a 'blind teacher' is interesting, I like the concept.

  8. This is much more clear than the original. I think you are getting closer! There are few pieces that still feel unwieldy to me, however.

    The structure of the first sentence makes it sound as if the lover and the mentor are a. the same person, and b. helped kidnap the students. "restore their isolation" I assume refers to sealing off the demons, but it doesn't convey that meaning precisely in context because the sentence structure appears to mean that she wants to restore her psychic talents' isolation and stop her psychic talents from conquering humanity.

    You have all the pieces of a compelling story here, though. She is interesting - a blind teacher. Her students are kidnapped - personal involvement and stakes. We get a bit wider with the demon world and conquering humanity, though, and it feels less compelling.

    I'd suggest something along the lines of:

    When her students are kidnapped by demons, a blind educator vows to rescue them. Aided by her police detective lover and the mentor who taught her to control her psychic abilities, she travels to the demon world to sever the two worlds and stop their bid for global domination.

    Okay, I was running wild a bit there at the end. But you can see that the structure of the sentences makes a big difference in our understanding of what is happening.

  9. Not sure if her boyfriend and mentor are the same person or not. Also, she reinstates her psychic powers after...(what made them disappear?) Great premise for a story! Good luck to you :)