Original Post #14
GENRE: YA light science-fiction
Gail hopes her life is beginning to order itself for the better. She discovers she has parents--she gets the chance to search for them. She discovers she can control fire--she thinks she's found a support group. There's a problem, though. The Community is hardly a support group. Their plans don’t include having Talenteds like Gail becoming too friendly with the world; and their plans have powerful support.
I think this is a good idea, but the logline is too long and includes too much information that isn't really relevant. I'd combine sentences. "Gail suddenly discovers that she has parents and she can control fire. Unfortunately, The Community doesn't like Talenteds ..." Not sure what "getting too friendly with the world" means. Can you re-word it so it becomes more clear what the problem is? Then add something about what the Community will do to her to up the stakes.ReplyDelete
I agree with the comment above. I'd suggest tightening the sentences. I also don't have a clear idea of the stakes. What does Gail want? I'm assuming it's to belong, to a family, a community. But what's keeping her from that goal? And what would happen if she fails?ReplyDelete
i agree with the two comments above - too long for a log line. i love the idea that she just discovers she has parents, but the the Community is going to be a problem. good luck!ReplyDelete
Thanks for the suggestions.ReplyDelete
Do you need the first two sentences? How about:ReplyDelete
Gail  can control fire [and] she thinks she's found a support group. [But] the Community is hardly [that]. Their plans don’t include having Talenteds like Gail [out in] the [real] world[--]and their plans have powerful support.
Ooh, I like Patchi's version. It has zip and gives just enough info.ReplyDelete
Yes, pare this down and I think you have something. Make sure you keep the control fire bit because that makes it different.ReplyDelete
Lots of angst for this teenager, but how does she feel about her situation? Is she a "take things as they come" person, or an "Oh, my God, what will I do?" You may want to include something about this. But, too much "fluff", condense it. Try something like: Gail's life is improving as she searches for her unknown parents. Then she gains control of fire and finds a support group. And then give the repercussions if she bucks the support group and why they don't want her to interact with others.ReplyDelete
Your voice - conveyed in both loglines - is great. The tone of the first is more compelling, I think, coupled with the details of the second.ReplyDelete
Your salient points are:
Gail controls fire.
She wants to find her parents. (Assuming because of what you say later that her parents are "normal" - or at least considered so by most people - maybe the Community.)
The Community doesn't want her mixing with regular folks. (Are they the "support group" that (I assume) helps her learn to control her powers?)
The Community has the political power to enforce their wants.
If you can convey those points using the tone of the first logline and keep your unique voice, I think you will have a winner! I love the premise (do you need any beta readers?) and the quality demonstrated in both loglines tells me that your novel is going to be well-written.
These are all really great suggestions! Thank you, ewoklove! This gives me confidence, at least, that I'm taking the right direction.ReplyDelete