Friday, October 19, 2012

BD Round 2 Revised Logline #13

Original Post #13


TITLE : DIYA
GENRE: YA mystery with paranormal elements

Her alcoholic movie star mom provides enough drama for Diya, until her aunt's nearly killed by a weapon belonging to her crush. She faces having to turn him in, or heed his warning – that her aunt was just a pawn. Diya's the intended victim. If she rejects his protection, she'll die at the hands of the real killer, driven by it's centuries-old blood lust to destroy every last member of her Indian birth family.

5 comments:

  1. I think you've got a really interesting concept here, but I think it needs to be more direct. I got lost a few times- maybe trim some of the less important things?

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  2. This will be more dynamic if you pare a few words and avoid passive constructions like this: "She faces having to turn him in," can be "She'll have to turn him in..." Also, start with the mc's name vs. "Her." Here are a few tweaks to consider:

    Diya's alcoholic movie star mom provides enough drama, and now her aunt is nearly killed by a weapon belonging to Diya's crush. She'll have to turn him in, or believe his warning that her aunt was just a pawn and Diya is the intended victim. If she rejects his protection, she'll die at the hands of the real killer, driven by his centuries-old vow to destroy every last member of her Indian family.

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  3. I agree with both Kate and skywriter. I liked the suggestions that skywriter put forth. I think that the tension should center around Diya's uncertainty, because to me that's the underlying motif in this log line.

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  4. I like skywriter's rewrite but wonder if the plot can be simplified even further. I've gotten comments from agents before that they didn't like too much detail in a query (I guess my plot came off as too complicated). I feel your logline is heading in that direction. Concentrate on the main conflict - do we need to know that her mom is a movie star here? How about starting with the attempt on her aunt's life?

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  5. Here are the important points that I have picked up from your two loglines:

    Diya's aunt is killed.
    The weapon belongs to the boy she likes.
    Diya was the intended victim.
    The boy knows more about all this than she does. (My question is why? If he is involved but not after her, what is he doing there? Trying to protect her? There could be some conflict over that.)
    This all part of an ancient feud that something evil has with her birth family.

    Her stakes are present - her life. The ancient conflict almost seems peripheral to her conflict with the boy she likes. Is that resolved early in the story or not? If it is not the central conflict, I am not sure you should bring it up. If it is, maybe tie him to the ancient evil (is he?) or else more diametrically oppose him.

    One of the most helpful things I have read about constructing a logline is to consider what you want the reader to bring away from the story.

    Where is your central conflict - not in a plot-sense necessarily, but what is she going through, what is she learning or coming to terms with exactly for the bulk of the story? The best logline for your novel will land on that major conflict, whether it is over trusting a boy who knows too much (and is implicated in her aunt's murder) or fighting an ancient evil with the help of a boy who has secrets of his own.

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