Friday, October 19, 2012

BD Round 2 Revised Logline #1

Original Post #21

TITLE: The Legacy of the Eye
GENRE: Science Fiction

On a school-planet supposed to value merit over birthright, the top graduate of the Governance program discovers that all former headmasters have been from the same lineage and that the girl he just kissed is next in line.

9 comments:

  1. This story sounds interesting. I think a problem might be that I'm not getting a feeling for the protag's personal stakes. How does this impact his life? What problem does this create and what does he have to do to solve it? If his goal is to be a headmaster of this school in the futuure, then this logline would make sense to me. Also, I don't think you need to mention the part about kissing the girl, unless it directly impacts the protag's goal. Good luck with this!

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  2. I like it better than what you had before, but I think it is still missing what is next...what conflict does this discovery create?

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  3. How about:

    On a school-planet supposed to value merit over birthright, the top graduate of the Governance program discovers that all former headmasters have been from the same lineage and that the girl he just kissed is next in line. He would rather teach at the other end of the galaxy if he has no chances of becoming the next headmaster, but the bait to bring him back might be more than he can resist.

    Is it too long now?

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  4. On a school-planet supposed to value merit over birthright, the top graduate of the Governance program discovers that all former headmasters have been from the same lineage and that the girl he just kissed is next in line

    I got caught up on the "school-planet" term and the fact that grammatically it should probably read "On a school-planet that's supposed to..."

    I really like this premise but agree that the stakes need to be made clearer. What does the main character want?

    How about:

    David, top graduate from Demia's Academy, wants nothing more than to be the next ruler [or whatever]. But when he discovers that Catrine, his best friend and strongest competitor, stands to inherit the throne, he must [whatever he must do] to [accomplish some goal] or [bad consequence].

    Does this help? Hope so - good luck - these darn loglines are a real pain :)

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  5. Going in the right direction, but would like to know more about the conflict, stakes of the MC. I like the concept of 'school planet', unique :)

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  6. This is much more concise, but it's always a struggle to gain that without losing necessary details, isn't it?

    I think you are still missing what David does though. That is the crux of your novel, and whether it amounts to sabotaging her homework or forging papers to make her birth seem illegitimate, or trying to convince her that she doesn't want to be Headmaster, that is what this query is missing.

    Important points:
    David has always thought he had a chance at Headmaster.
    He is the top student but loses it to the girl he likes because of birthright.
    He ... does something.

    There must be more to the story than this. What is it?

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  7. Thanks for the help. Is this any better:

    On a school-planet supposed to value merit over birthright, the top graduate of the Governance program discovers that all former headmasters have been from the same lineage and that the girl he just kissed is next in line. A self-imposed exile could thwart his parents’ plan to make him headmaster by marriage, if only he manages to avoid the bait to bring him back home.

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  8. It definitely has me hooked. The idea of a school-planet, the injustice and hypocrisy of the system, and the kiss I find intriguing. I'm not clear as to how he can become headmaster by marrying the next in line, but then, that might just be too hard to squeeze in. If possible, I feel like that's the only further clarity you could use.

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  9. Nice way to get so many details into a little space.

    So, Important Points, now:
    David has always thought he had a chance at Headmaster because he is the top student.
    The girl he likes is next in line because of birthright.
    He intends to flee to the other side of the galaxy to (teach and) thwart his parents arrangement of a marriage with her.
    The girl is the bait. (?)

    Big Questions
    So is his major conflict that he wants the Headmastership by merit and not by dint of his matrimonial ties?
    Or he is just not ready to get married?
    Or he doesn't love her? And doesn't want to abuse her position?
    Does the girl he kissed GET the Headmastership or simply convey it to her spouse? (because I was assuming she did but now it seems like her husband gets the position.)

    It's hard for me to tell where your major conflict is. He has to marry the girl he already has a solid relationship with and is apparently attracted to and get the position he wants? Why run away?

    On the flipside, what is stopping him from running away? His attraction to her?

    I know that too many questions to answer in the query. I'm just trying to direct you more strongly toward your primary conflict, motivation, and stakes.

    I do think it sounds like a fun read, though, and GOOD LUCK!!

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