Round 3 Original Post #20
UNTITLED
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Jackie knows she can’t date her cousin, but she can no more stop loving Marcus than she can stop the Missouri River from freezing. Right when she works up the nerve to tell him, Marcus asks out a girl from school- a girl with a connection to a student who disappeared. When someone nearly kills Marcus, Jackie has to figure out why he’s being targeted or he’ll be the next one to disappear.
Great voice in the first line. I think I'd start the second sentence with: But when Marcus starts dating a girl with a connection to a student who disappeared, Jackie must...
ReplyDeleteI think that'd serve to tighten it up and focus on the mystery part, rather than her growing feelings for her cousin.
Good luck!
I think it's good as is. If you were to tighten it, I'd delete the "right when she works up the nerve" clause because I don't think it ADDS anything to the pitch... could you cut it and use the real estate to convey another layer of your story? Either way, you've conveyed both practical and emotional stakes nicely. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence reads a bit awkwardly for me. I would like it to be absolutely clear that her cousin is Marcus -- I had to read it twice to get that. Something along the lines of: "Jackie knows she can’t date her cousin Marcus, but she can't stop loving him any more than she can stop the Missouri River from freezing."
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'd like a more specific idea of what the "connection" this girl has with the missing person. If it was her ex, it would make Marcus seem a feasible target and that would definitely make me want to read it.
Best of luck!
Great job introducing your plot, but the wording itself could use a bit of tweaking and tightening. The third sentence, especially, made me stumble; I think because of the repetition of "a girl." Otherwise, this is totally intriguing, and the loving-her-cousin element definitely gives it a unique spin.
ReplyDeleteWow -- unique concept, and intriguing plot. I didn't fully understand the last line:
ReplyDeleteWhen someone nearly kills Marcus, Jackie has to figure out why he’s being targeted or he’ll be the next one to disappear.
"Next one to disappear" seems like an odd euphemism for dying, since you set up in the beginning of the sentence that someone threatened his life. Also, what's at stake for Jackie (besides her cousin/crush might die)? Does Jackie risk becoming a target, too?