TITLE: Telos
GENRE: YA Paranormal
For the past fifteen years, the Lord of Chaos has hunted Lily, the one he believes will guarantee his victory over Heaven; to save herself from eternal captivity, she’ll have to leave her mundane life—and the boy she loves—and join the ranks as a warrior in a hidden society of immortals.
For the past fifteen years, the Lord of Chaos has hunted Lily, the one he believes will guarantee his victory over Heaven; to save herself from eternal captivity, she’ll have to leave her mundane life—and the boy she loves—and join the ranks as a warrior in a hidden society of immortals.
It was going to be the best weekend of my life.
I stood at the end of the walkway, absorbed in a daydream, oblivious to the cloud of exhaust engulfing me as the bus pulled away…until I inhaled and nearly died coughing. Urged forward, I moved toward my front door.
I couldn’t believe it was finally here, my fifteenth birthday.
And he was coming.
It was going to be perfect.
“You’ll ruin everything!” Mom’s voice carried through the open windows, effectively killing my fantasy of his lips on mine.
I sighed. She was doing it again. The littlest spot of dirt could set her off, especially if we were expecting company. I swear, if she wrecks my weekend just because of some dumb dust bunny… Gripping the front door’s handle, I hesitated going inside and running the risk of her recruiting me.
“No! You can’t! Get out! Get out and leave us alone!”
The handle ripped out of my hand and, as I stumbled forward, strong arms caught me. “Oh! I’m so…” I looked up at the stranger holding me. Ho-ly jeez.
Tousled, chestnut hair fell in waves to his chin. My gaze drifted past his perfect lips and high cheekbones to lashes I would’ve killed for and eyes the oddest shade of violet I’d ever seen. He blinked and they changed, becoming brilliant, deep-blue oceans. An overwhelming sense of familiarity filled me as I drowned in those eyes, unable to look away. “Do I, do I know you?”
I love the premise of the book, it sounds very interesting. I also like your descriptions of people and actions. The only problem I encountered was in the mothers first dialogue. First I thought she was talking to the MC but after going back I finally realized that she was talking to the man the MC encounters...maybe you could just elaborate by saying 'I heard my mom yell at an unknown source...
ReplyDeleteJust my two cents...good luck!
[Comments in brackets, good luck!]:
ReplyDeleteFor the past fifteen years, the Lord of Chaos has hunted [for] Lily, the one he believes will guarantee his victory over Heaven; to save herself from eternal captivity, she’ll have to leave her mundane life—and the boy she loves—and join the ranks as a warrior in a hidden society of immortals. ["hunted lilly" sounds like he wants to kill her, so I added "for". My question is, why does the Lord of Chaos need Lily captive? What is it about lilly that makes her unique?]
It was going to be the best weekend of my life.
I stood at the end of the walkway, absorbed in a daydream, oblivious to the cloud of exhaust engulfing me as the bus pulled away…until I inhaled and nearly died coughing. Urged forward [urged forward by what?], I moved toward my front door.
I couldn’t believe it was finally here, my fifteenth birthday.
And he was coming.
It was going to be perfect.
“You’ll ruin everything!” Mom’s voice carried through the open windows, effectively killing my fantasy of his lips on mine. [I'm confused who mom is talking to, and I don't learn in the next few sentences]
I sighed. She was doing it again. The littlest spot of dirt could set her off,[this doesn't work for me. I knew she was talking to a person, not a bit of dirt. Maybe take out this bit about the dirt and just go to door being yanked out of her hand. Or, have her say "Dirt, you'll ruin everything! and later we learn that she's referring to this boy as dirt.] especially if we were expecting company. I swear, if she wrecks my weekend just because of some dumb dust bunny… Gripping the front door’s handle, I hesitated going inside and running the risk of her recruiting me.
“No! You can’t! Get out! Get out and leave us alone!”
The handle ripped out of my hand and, as I stumbled forward, strong arms caught me. “Oh! I’m so…” I looked up at the stranger holding me. Ho-ly jeez.
Tousled, chestnut hair fell in waves to his chin. My gaze drifted past his perfect lips and high cheekbones to lashes I would’ve killed for and eyes the oddest shade of violet I’d ever seen. He blinked and they changed, becoming brilliant, deep-blue oceans. An overwhelming sense of familiarity filled me as I drowned in those eyes, unable to look away. “Do I, do I know you?”