When software engineer, Kathryn, joins the knighthood on a parallel
world, she struggles not only to maintain her sense of self, but to
prevent creatures from reaching Earth and turning it into an
Kathryn Merlangton stared at the vase cradling the dying roses. Two
red blooms bowed over the white sympathy card like mourners looking
down upon a casket. She drew in the cloying smell of the flowers and
let her gaze fall to the eyes of the bear hugging the vase. Its
accusing regard made her tighten her grip on the countertop to remain
The thumping of a tail against the hardwood floor saved her from the
downward spiral and brought the ache of her shoulders to the forefront
of her mind. Groaning from the weight, she lowered her laptop backpack
to the floor with painful hands. Her carpal tunnel forced her to carry
around her livelihood like a teenager. Dargo, her mother's—her—timid
Doberman remained on his pillow. His lack of a proper greeting made
her suspicious, but the trail of mail leading the way confirmed his
Stepping closer, Kathryn followed her mortgage and electric bill. The
trunk of Rachel’s purple elephant reached for air from beneath Dargo’s
paw. Kathryn rescued Ella with a shaking hand. The tempo of Dargo’s
tail increased, but he cringed into his pillow. Ella stared at her
with only one eye. A crash from outside saved Dargo from her wrath as
he jumped to his feet with a whine.
Damn raccoons. Or with her luck, it would be a bear this time. She
welcomed the distraction.
This isn't my genre, so take my comments with a grain of salt, but I feel like we should get some inkling on the first page that this is fantasy. The first page to me read more like women's fiction. Also, I had to read twice to figure out who Ella was. That said, you have some strong writing. Good luck!ReplyDelete
Hey. I'd like the logline to have one word describing the "knighthood" to give us an idea of their duties. Are they templars, joe uglies with swords, magical beings, half-engineers?ReplyDelete
First stanza has too many descriptions of her sense of loss. One or two does the job. Writing itself is excellent.
I suggest breaking second stanza into two: one about dog, and one about pain. What is her emotional reaction to the dog's actions? How can this be shown physically?
The only thing I can tell from the first 250 is that your writing is artful and dense. I would love to get a hint of her adventures to come, but I know 250 is tough.
Keep at it.