Genre: MG Sci-Fi
A daydreaming Jimmy Ranfaz is heralded as the saviour of Ulfitron. But when he bombs out of super-power training, a journey to discover his true potential leads him to a chilling revelation: he’s the villain reincarnated.
The heroics of J-Man and the bashing of the three-headed villains was interrupted by an innocuous text message.
Jimmy flicked open the text from Aaron. It’s out. Check the website.
He didn’t even need to check the website. J-Man’s kryptonite had arrived; a whole planet load of it.
“Just one A!” His father’s voice boomed through the house.
Jimmy cursed the invention of computers, the internet and especially the wise chap who’d thought of publishing term results on the school website.
“Get down here this instant, Jimmy,” roared his father.
Jimmy drudged out of his room. The lecture was a bi-annual fixture. What surprised him was how fast his Dad noticed that results were out. The last record stood at an entire two minutes and three seconds. Sadly, now it stood shattered thanks to Dad’s super-power of sensing when term-results were due.
As he reached the first landing, he found his dad pacing up and down the hall, fuming like a pitbull whose favourite chew-toy had vanished. He stopped when he caught sight of Jimmy and glowered.
“What is the meaning of this?” he waved a sheet of paper.
Great! He’s already got a print-out.
“When I was your age…”
“…I got straight A’s with my eyes closed.” Jimmy mumbled the rest of the sentence.
The rest of the lecture pretty much went the tried and tested route and J-Man’s had blasted off to another nebula in his head, till his brain registered the words ‘…or you are grounded.’
The premise is interesting. It sounds like a story my 4th grader might enjoy, which is good since it’s a MG book.
ReplyDeleteThe logline is okay, but the first sentence needs some work I think. Who is heralding him as the savior? Also, the wording for the description of him as A DAYDREAMING is bothersome (maybe call him a daydreamer) and you need to tell how old he is. And REINCARNATED…Was there a villain who died and came back as Jimmy or did you mean something else?
Suggestion for revision: (Twelve-year-old) Jimmy Ranfaz dreams of being the savior of Ulfitron; but, when he bombs out of super-power training, a journey to discover his true potential leads him to a chilling revelation about his destiny: he’s the villain.
The first line in the excerpt is passive and confusing. The word INNOCUOUS is not likely to be known by most MG readers and should be changed. Maybe open with the tone from his phone when he gets a text message. In my head, I imagined the song from Star Wars called The Imperial March…dun dun dun dun dudun dun dudun. :)
The rest of the excerpt was okay but no where near as exciting or engaging as I expected from the logline. Even Jimmy spaced out…
Thanks for sharing & good luck!
[Good luck! comments inserted in brackets:]
ReplyDeleteA daydreaming Jimmy Ranfaz is heralded as the saviour of Ulfitron [why? does he have special powers? a prophecy?. But when he bombs out of super-power training[great!], a journey to discover his true potential leads him to a chilling revelation: he’s the villain reincarnated.
The heroics of J-Man and the bashing of the three-headed villains was interrupted by an innocuous text message. [I didn't realize until the end that J-man is the same as Jimmy. I thought he was watching some show. Flesh this out a little with some showing us of what he's doing. If it's imaginary, paint the scene. What is he using as props? What are the three headed villains?]
Jimmy flicked open the text from Aaron. It’s out. Check the website. [If this is the text message it needs to come after a colon after Aaron. Or put it in italics or somethign so we know we're reading the text message.]
[Jimmy] didn’t even need to check the website. J-Man’s kryptonite had arrived; a whole planet load of it. [this is confusing. move it to later so we know the text message is about the grades, as apposed to the J-man thing. On first reading I thought that the kryptonite was a literal thing that had happened, rather than a metaphor for his father getting in the way of what he's watching.]
“Just one A!” His father’s voice boomed through the house.
Jimmy cursed the invention of computers, the internet and especially the wise chap who’d thought of publishing term results on the school website. [Here is where you can put the thing about J-man's cryptonite, followed by jimmy turning off what he's viewing]
“Get down here this instant, Jimmy,” roared his father.
Jimmy drudged [I don't think this is the definition of drudged] out of his room. The lecture was a bi-annual fixture. [what lecture?] What surprised him was how fast his Dad noticed that results were out. [Dad's] last record stood at an entire two minutes and three seconds [On first reading I thought the record was referring to the results, not to dad, putting in dad instead of he makes it clearer]. Sadly, now it stood shattered thanks to Dad’s super-power of sensing when term-results were due. [I'd shorten this whole paragraph, take out the lecture sentence, as it doesn't add anything. Just have one sentence about how dad broke his previous record with a super-power for sensing when results were out. that's all we need.
As he reached the first landing, he found his dad pacing up and down the hall, fuming like a pitbull whose favourite chew-toy had vanished. He stopped when he caught sight of Jimmy and glowered.
“What is the meaning of this?” he waved a sheet of paper.
[I rolled my eyes.] Great! [set this up so the reader reads it as sarcastic, at first I thought Jimmy was literaly happy.] He’s already got a print-out.
“When I was your age…”
“…I got straight A’s with my eyes closed.” Jimmy mumbled the rest of the sentence.
The rest of the lecture pretty much went the tried and tested route and J-Man’s [grammar??] had blasted off to another nebula in his head, till his brain registered the words ‘…or you are grounded.’
I'll choose a few things different than already mentioned to cover more ground:) I'd like to know a little more specifics in the logline- his age for instance. Try to tighten up the sequence to build some tension. Often dialogue can replace summary. I want you to "show" me the action instead of telling me. Give me a clear picture of what is going on. Also, I'd like a little clearer picture of the setting. Rework this, you've got a cute story here:)
ReplyDeleteInteresting log line. I understand he's daydreaming that he's the saviour, but I thought he was playing a computer game just before the text from Aaron. Am I wrong? Nice tension with dad, but not sure where this is really going.
ReplyDelete