Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Hangover Round 2 Entry #2

Title: Secrets Awakened
Genre: YA SF

When Kyle and Cimber, 14-year-old mute twins labeled defective in a perfect domed society, undergo socio-regulatory implantation, their latent talents become powerful abilities. Rictor, the ruthless leader of the Shadows law enforcement, discovers their abilities and swears to make them his. To avoid Rictor’s sinister plans, the twins must escape the domes and find life in the decimated Wilds.

     Ten minutes past dimming time, someone pounded on the entrance to the family quarters. Cimber grabbed Kyle’s arm and stared into her twin brother’s hazel eyes. Nothing good came from a visit after dimming time. Only officials on business were permitted to travel the domes during the dim.
     Kyle pulled his sister closer as they sat side by side on the floor between the only furniture in the thirty-foot square common room. The four upholstered arm chairs were pulled close to create a comfortable alcove. They turned as one to see their father, pulling a thin plaid robe over his naked torso and pajama pants as he entered the common room.
     “Arla, stay,” he said holding up a hand to his wife who clung to the doorway of their sleeping room.
     As Father yanked two of the chairs back into place he stopped and stared down at his fourteen-year-old twins. He pointed to them with two fingers, flicked his hand over his shoulder and drew his thumb down his jaw line as he said, “Go to your mother.”
     Hand in hand the twins hurried away as their father repositioned the other two chairs.
     The visitor pounded again.
     “Did you have trouble with the children earlier this cycle?” Greg asked as he hurried to the keypad by the door.
     Arla shook her head as the twins slid their arms around her waist.
     “Work?” Arla’s voice wavered as she called softly across the room.


  1. I'm no SF expert but here's my take. Your logline and first paragraph are perfectly clear. Well done. You've got an interesting premise. I'd be interested to know how the twins are defective.

    Here are the things that tripped me up:

    The positioning of the furniture pulled me out of the story. I just couldn't figure it out. Were they using the furniture to feel protected? Was it pushed up against the door?

    The introduction of the parents was fairly clear but then who is Greg?? The father?

    Maybe 'this cycle' should be explained because it left me dangling a little. Also what does the last sentence "work?" mean?

    Good luck with this.

  2. The logline is WAY too long and gives too much backstory. Condense it to include only: Character(s), Conflict, Decision, and Stakes. Add some action and maybe mention the setting, especially since you have such a unique setting (but it doesn’t need to go into loads of detail or backstory).

    The first paragraph is telling, which makes it boring. I don’t have the sense of anxiety Cimber obviously does because it hasn’t been built up yet.

    The explanation of the father pointing and flicking his hand is confusing and I had to reread it several times to try to understand what he was doing with his hand. Is it really important that he draws his thumb down his jaw line? If not, axe it. It doesn’t add to the story or his character…unless he’s using sign language, but that isn’t clear from how it’s written.

    Overall, there is too much description and not enough action. Build up the tension and worry the whole family seems to feel. Also, as a reader, I don’t know that the twins are mute or defective. Somehow, work that in or hint at it.