Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Hangover Round 2 Entry #6

Title: Veiled Innocence
Genre: Urban Fantasy/Romance

Sarah Croshen has discovered that there really is no such things as coincidence or déjà vu. Maybe she wasn't crazy after all.
 After adjusting the showerhead to pulse, she turned the knob to increase the temperature and drew a deep breath of the moist, dense air. Her pale skin blotched red from the extreme heat, but it felt so good. Water pelted against her delicate flesh like hot needles. Sarah closed her eyes to enjoy a few luxurious moments before slipping completely under the jets. Her long blond hair cascaded over her shoulders and chest.
Lyrics from one of her favorite oldie’s streamed through the speakers and bounced off the blue and white tiled walls of the small bathroom. The awareness of someone watching crept into her consciousness. Despite the heat, a chill ran down her spine. Sarah opened one eye and looked around. It was a familiar sensation, this feeling of being watched, but as always, no one was there.
 “Why, me?” The sound of her voice did little to calm her anxiety. “I’m not going crazy, damn it. Who would even believe me if I told them?” She tipped her head to the ceiling and laughed at the idea of how she would sound to her friends and family, then gagged and sputtered from the spray of water.
The razor lifted from its cradle and crashed to the shower floor. The blade separated from its handle and ricocheted off the glass door. Sarah jumped, nearly losing her footing on the slippery enamel when she landed. This was no accident or coincidence. This confirmed she was not alone.


  1. The logline doesn’t tell me enough information. Give me something more about Sarah – her age/profession/personality. What is the conflict? What decision must Sarah make and what are the stakes for her decision? What is going to make this story special and unique?

    The excerpt:

    The opening scene doesn’t seem like the appropriate place to start this story. Taking a shower is such a mundane activity and really not very interesting.

    The second paragraph is the best and most interesting out of the four.

    In the third paragraph, she tells the reader that others would think she is crazy rather than letting the reader make that assumption on his/her own.

    And the razor thing is bizarre but didn’t confirm her lack of aloneness to me. Maybe describe the razor as lifting and hovering for a few seconds before shattering against the shower floor. Also, I was confused when Sarah jumped, you said she nearly lost her footing and then landed…I’d remove ‘when she landed’. It made me think she’d fallen even though you said she hadn’t lost her footing.

    Hope this helps and thanks for sharing. Good luck!

  2. I agree with Samantha. Your logline is too general. I can't tell what the story is about. What makes it urban fantasy? Does it have fairies or wizards in it? What makes it romance? Who does she have this romance with?

    I also agree about starting with a shower. We need to see your character doing something that shows her life changing. Some big scene that shows why the story should start here.

    I believe you have too much description in this first page. Readers want to see the story moving along. You don't need to describe the bathroom and shower so thoroughly.

    The ending is kind of exciting, knowing that someone is in the bathroom with her. I'm curious to know who it is.

    Good luck!

  3. I agree, start the story as close to the action as possible. Act now and explain later by dropping in pertinent information. Since the logline is different from what will appear on the book jacket it is okay to give us the information such as the who/conflict/stakes. Great scene description, but condense. Build the suspense, but get me to the action :) Good job.

  4. Nice opening visual, but it doesn't draw me into the story. Is the the jumping razor suppose to show us that the someone that is there is invisible? I really like to see more information in your log line.