GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
When seventeen-year-old Lexi learns she's the Source, the only being able to generate the power needed to sustain a race, she finds herself locked in a war between two paranormal species. With her side unknowingly predetermined by her love for a Sentinel, Lexi knows she alone can end the chaos, but it could change humanity and her life forever—or kill her.
It was homecoming, and I refused to let one scary vision ruin my night.
The inhuman dark blue eyes tore through that thought. “Come with me, Alexa…”
As long as I didn’t go behind the bleachers tonight, I’d be fine.
I pushed the sound of the stranger’s ominous voice—and those eyes—away. The butterflies beating my insides calmed and my heart rate slowed. Homecoming was a big deal in West Palm Beach and to my horror, my parents wanted to take pictures of me and my friends while our neighbors watched. I had to be able to smile.
“Hey, Lexi.” Dell Landry said as I approached him on the lawn.
My pulse quickened at the sight of him, my palms suddenly clammy. Butterflies of a different kind fluttered in my stomach, making it impossible not to think about our kiss. I did a double take, noticing how hot he looked in his black suit and red tie. He stood as tall as a basketball player, lanky, but muscular, the suit showing off his athletic physique.
“Hey.” I tried to sound casual.
“You look…beautiful.” His crooked grin made my heart leap into my throat, my face probably the same shade of pink as the evening sky above.
“Thanks, I like your—”
Taryn Stabler accidentally bumped into me then as she tripped in her high heels. Dell caught me by my elbow as I stumbled. A shock ran up my arm and I gasped, meeting his light green eyes.
I definitely like elements of this, and I'm intrigued... but also a tad confused. I think some things need to be clarified in the pitch... like what are the two "paranormal species"? Then in the second line, if her side is "unknowingly predetermined," then how does she know she can end the chaos? I think I'm looking for more specifics here, because I'm not sure exactly what the storyline is quite yet...
ReplyDeleteIn the opening too, I'm confused about her precise powers. If she's a source of power, how does that tie into her "scary vision"? I don't think you need to completely explain her powers from the start, but the pitch and 250 words seem to contradict themselves... so she can generate power AND have frightening visions?
Maybe also show a bit more of that frightening vision? Specifics like that will help me able to visualize what's going on a bit better.
That said, I love moments like how she has a scary vision, and then she refers to the horror of her parents taking pictures of her on Homecoming. It's a wonderful juxtaposition, and goes to show that no matter what her powers, she's still just a teenage girl!
Good luck!
This reminds me a lot of Shadow and Bone for some reason. I'm intrigued by the premise of the story, and think it has a lot of potential. As far as the logline goes, more specifics would be nice, but the pitch should also be concise. If you can find a way to squeeze in more information without increasing the lenght too much, then go for it. If not, in personal opinion it's fine how it is. Everything doesn't need to be explained in 50 words or less.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the opening, I really liked it. One thing I would suggest would be to drop the character's last names here. With us in her head, it seems unlikely that she thinks of her friends' last names when she sees them.
I would also rearrange the first sentence of the last paragraph. Being in Lexi's point of view, when she's falling the first thing she thinks of will likely not be what's causing her to fall, but more likely that she's falling. The thoughts are fine, just have her react to the falling before she makes sense of what happened.
I think it's great. Good luck!
Same as the others about trying to get more specifics into the log line. Opening-wise, I LOVE your first sentence, and I agree about the juxtaposition of the scary vision and the horror of the parents taking pictures; that's awesome. Just as a quick note, you're not formatting your dialogue properly, so I'd look into that if I were you. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm not yelling in my comments, I'm just trying to set them apart from your paragraph.
ReplyDeleteWhen seventeen-year-old Lexi learns she's the Source, the only being able to generate the power needed to sustain a race,(HER RACE? THEN SAY SO- IT RAISES THE STAKES.) she finds herself locked in a war between two paranormal species.(THIS SOUNDS DECIDEDLY ELUSIVE- DON'T BE TOO COY WITH US. WE NEED THE MEAT OF THE PROBLEM TO JOIN YOU ON YOUR ADVENTURE.) With her side unknowingly predetermined by her love for a Sentinel, Lexi knows she alone can end the chaos, but it could change humanity and her life forever—or kill her.(THE LAST PHRASE IN YOUR FIRST SENTENCE AND YOU LAST SENTENCE ARE TOO SOFT- WHAT'S AT STAKE? HUMANITY IS ALWAYS CHANGING- THAT'S GOOD AND HER DYING IS BAD, BUT WHAT DOES THAT AFFECT? ZOOM IN ON THE SPECIFICS AND GIVE US THE TRUE TENSION AND OPEN THE DOOR- WE'LL GLADLY STEP THROUGH.
I like the first page- some minor tweaking to be done to tighten it, but a good promise of an interesting story.