Monday, December 17, 2012

Hangover Round 1 Entry #42

TITLE: Dreamcatcher
A Speculative

When sixteen-year-old Lauren discovers she’s living in a coma-induced dream world where she can have anything she wants, she thinks it’s her lucky break. That is, until she realizes she can’t leave. While she sleeps, her subconscious rules, and it will do anything to keep her from waking—even if it means driving Lauren to insanity. 

            Sometimes when I’m asleep, I dream about you.
            Not in a creepy way, it’s just… I wonder. I wonder if you realize the seasons are changing, the leaves are turning red and falling, and you remain as pale as I’ve ever seen.
            Like Icarus you fell, because you flew too close to the sun… and here I sit with the reds and yellows and browns.
            Do you remember me?

I swear I really must be losing it, because when I finish telling Angela about all the sleeping problems I’ve been having lately, all she does is roll her eyes and say, “What are you doing at night that keeps you up, Little Lauren?”
            And that’s just the thing. I’m not doing anything at night, let alone something that deserves a sexual innuendo. Especially one that hints towards Joshua, as I’m pretty sure this one does. Contrary to popular belief, I have zero romantic interest in him.  
            It’s free period in the library. Ignoring Angela, I pick up the encyclopedia I’ve been using as a footrest, and go to return it to its home before the gritchy old librarian yells at me for scuffing the cover, annoyed because: a) Mrs. Cambridge is glowering at us like she wonders how we’d taste in her stew, and b) Angela called me Little. And she knows I hate being called that.


  1. This is a very interesting premise.
    I love the line about how they would taste in the librarian's stew.
    This is the type of story that needs a little more than 250 words for an intro. I feel like I need a tiny bit more to understand what is going on.

  2. This is a really cool premise. I found the first page confusing and maybe you would have had more luck without the asleep part. I'm sure it will make sense later, but like a prologue, you might want to leave it out of the query.

    Also, the last sentence is really long. Maybe place a period after "scuffing the cover" the start the next sentence with [I was] "annoyed because:"

  3. Another really interesting idea, but the pitch confused me. At first in the pitch I thought she stayed asleep all the time. I believed the word 'coma' meant she was never awake. Then I realized she is awake part of the time. Which leads me to questions how she could be 'living' in a dream world. Wouldn't she notice a difference from being awake to being asleep?

    I'm not sure the 'asleep' section is long enough to convey much. Though it is poetic, I don't understand what is happening there.

    The second to the last sentence of your 'awake' opening is so long I lost its meaning. Also you tell us she is annoyed instead of showing. You could use a frown or a huff to show her annoyance.

    I hope this gives you some help.

  4. This one really caught my attention. The premise sounds so interesting. But I, too, am a little confused. I'm sure you have this all worked out beautifully in your book, but the pitch sounds like she's in a coma, and the life she's living is all a figment of her imagination. So then why the Asleep, then Awake sections?

    The asleep section sounds like someone talking to her while she's in a coma. The language is beautiful, yes, so I liked reading it even though I had no idea why it was necessary to the story. Is it? Or is it something that perhaps should be included later?

    Then when we revert to the commonplace setting of the library, I'm wondering what the tone of your book is. The first part is flowing and lovely and sad and dark, the second part reads contemporary and not dark at all.

    But, I know this is just a logline that can be perfected and a beginning page that can to be tweaked to perfection and I can tell your voice is strong. Even with my confusion I'm still interested in figuring it out and reading on. Best of luck tweaking things to perfection ;)

  5. I'm definitely very interested both in the premise and the story, but I, much like the other people commenting, was pulled away from the story too... I assumed after reading your pitch that she was always asleep in her "coma," but the "awake" section seems to imply otherwise.

    Knowing that this is only your first 250 words, which isn't enough to judge the rest of the story in my opinion, the "asleep" part confused me too. I wonder if just mentioning who's speaking -- is it Lauren, or Joshua? -- might make it less confusing.

    That said, I think you have a great story here with some wonderful imagery, and I'd love to read more!

  6. I agree with everyone else. Interesting story idea. Beautiful ASLEEP section but not sure it fits at the beginning. The AWAKE section needs some cleaning, less telling and more showing. The last sentence is interesting but needs to be split up.