Monday, December 17, 2012

Hangover Round 1 Entry #22

Title:  Ewan's Diary
Genre: Historical
Margaret Macrae and Philip Domin have one thing in common – a messed up life. Their lives come together in the small mountain town of Hannah’s Fork where a mutual fascination with a 200 year old diary sends them on a search for clues to a treasured land map and the powers trying to steal it.

Philip Domin was running away. From the city, from the law, from his life. And if he had any doubts, he only need remember Estes’ laugh mocking him when he was about as low as a guy can get.

Phil had thrown a left hook straight out of all the buried frustration of the years that right now felt pretty much like a wasted life. It was the kind of haymaker he hadn’t thrown since his Golden Gloves days. Any DA will tell you a bloody nose, even broken eyeglasses, might be tagged as a disagreement between friends. But add some missing teeth, a dislocated jaw, a serious concussion and blackout resulting from a head hitting the floor with some force – that adds up to felonious assault.

Estes filed charges. Phil opened the atlas of the United States, covered his eyes with one hand and stabbed the page with a pen. It landed on Hannah’s Fork, North Carolina.

“Who the hell ever heard of Hannah’s Fucking Fork, North Carolina?” He wonderedwhat made some broad’s fork important enough to name a town after it. Was it made of gold? Did she commit murder with it?

He peered at all the green around the town. Appalachian Mountains, Nantahala River, Osborne River. Not a decent city in sight. “No wonder nobody ever heard of it. Boondocks.” He raised the pen to take another stab but thought better of it.
“Remote is good. But how in hell am I gonna get there?”


  1. Your logline captured my interest, but your first 250 words didn't really grab me. Lot's of telling and not enough happening right now. Maybe there is a better place to start?

  2. The logline somewhat grabs me. What "powers" are trying to steal the treasure? Ghosts? Spirits? People? A secret society?

    The first sentence is passive. Could you make it active, e.g. "Phil ran away, etc..."

    Who are the DA?

    I agree with the commenter above, is there a better place to start your story? I found myself confused. I don't have a feel for the MC.

    Good luck!

  3. I agree that you are starting out with too much telling and backstory. With this material as is, I would recommend starting here: "Phil opened the atlas of the United States..." There is mystery and tension in that kind of opening. Readers will wonder why Phil is running away. Then, after we are a little more familiar with Phil and well set on the path of the story, we can get the background about why he is running. Also, I would suggest grounding the scene a bit...where is Phil when he is opening the atlas?

    An editing suggestion (current line uses add twice and seems too detailed to me): "But add missing teeth, a dislocated jaw and a serious concussion – that equates to felonious assault."