Monday, December 17, 2012

Hangover Round 1 Entry #27

Genre: Paranormal Mystery

When Veronica’s quiet new life is interrupted by murder, mystery and ghosts, she must prove the innocence of a friend by using clues from the ghosts to find the real killer, before the killer finds her first.

     If God had meant for humans to live on the water, we would have fins like Aquaman  

and hair that doesn’t frizz.

     Since I had neither, I wasn’t getting out of my car.

     Then the wailing started. Fitzgerald, my none-too-patient cat, was tired of her kitty

carrier and wanted out. Now. I had the carrier seat-belted in the back, surrounded by

suitcases, boxes and anything else I could find for packing. My whole life was in my car.

Well, my old life. My new life was outside the car, and it scared me.

     The cat upped her wailing to rock concert level, while the large iced tea from lunch

started to make demands on my bladder. I unlocked my door; it was time.

     Grabbing the cat carrier and as many suitcases as I could carry,  I walked over to the

entrance to Mary’s Marina, my new home. The marina was on a river. Not one of those

cute little friendly rivers, this was a serious river—big, wide and deep.  The ramp down

to the marina was steep and worn. It had railings on both sides, but it was a long way

down to the dock and the houses.

     The waves pushed up against the dock, making the ramp sway to and fro.  I stood

there and swayed with the ramp, hypnotized by the motion. My stomach swayed, too, and

my face started to feel green around the edges.


  1. I really like you first page. You did a great job with characterization. My suggestion for the logline is to qualify the ghosts the second time you mention them to make it more personal.

  2. There's a lot of voice in your first page. I had some small suggestions that you can take or leave. First, you might give a name to the river as a detail that would make it more real.

    You use 'started' twice. I'd cut the one from your last sentence as it weakens it. My stomach swayed too, and my face felt green around the edges.

    Your opening sentence might be stronger if you carried the same subject throughout. If God meant for humans to live on the water, He would have given us fins like Aquaman and hair that doesn't frizz.

    Hope this helps.

  3. I agree with Michelle's suggestions. Also, it's not recommended to start sentences with an "ing" verb, unless it's something they can actually do at the same time, like "Holding my breath, I looked down at the dock" - she could hold her breath while she looks at the dock. But she can't grab the cat carrier and walk to the marina at the same time, so what you really mean is "I grabbed the cat carrier and as many suitcases as I could carry and walked to the entrance of Mary's Marina." (I used to be super guilty of this myself, so now it jumps out at me!)

    Good luck!

  4. The excerpt works really well. The tension is up with the storm and the cat wailing and this woman starting her life over. There's a lot to process, but it is all conveyed really nicely. My only quibble would be to get rid of the multiple instances of "sway" in the final three sentences. Find a way to show this using "sway" only once.