Title: Pursuit of Craze
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Allie Trask thought turning 30 was scary enough, but when seven wicked Nephilim come to Earth to claim her rock star boyfriend’s life, she suddenly has a bigger battle on her hands than crow’s feet.
Allie loved browsing the produce section of any grocery store, but especially the one in this little market with its soft lighting, faux hardwood floors, and piped- in classical music. The fruits and vegetables were organic here, not the shiny reds, greens, and yellows that glowed cartoonishly under the glaring lights of the airport hangar sized grocery store down the street. They seemed earthier here, more dignified.
She scanned her shopping list. Only one more item to go and she would have all of the ingredients for Daemon’s favorite dinner- baked spaghetti.
“Aha.” She plucked a flawless green pepper from the mound and held it up like a prize. Firm, evenly green, and extra large. She dropped it in the basket hanging from her arm, atop a package of fresh pasta.
Nowadays, even the minutiae of her life brought her pleasure. Buying a green pepper, folding their laundry, buying Daemon’s deodorant, reading excerpts from trivia and factoids books to each other over unhurried weekend meals. Not that she’d ever admit to the deodorant part. She could picture her girlfriend’s reaction to that little tidbit- hot stepping away from her with palms raised, like she was an armed madwoman.
The thought made her grin as she tucked her grocery list into the pocket of her jeans, swung around to head to the registers at the front of the store, and promptly collided with another shopper.
“Oh my goodness, please excuse me, I…” Allie looked up, and the apology dissolved on her tongue.
I like your writing style. I like the fact that can read your intro and I'm not confused and I am engaged. Good job at making the ordinary interesting! I'd read on.ReplyDelete
My only nitpick is that your description of the pepper she chooses: "evenly green and extra large" sounds more like one of the peppers at the grocery store down the street, not an organic one! :)ReplyDelete
Great writing, although it doesn't sound like urban fantasy yet, but still, I'd read on...
I like this opening. There isn't a lot going on, but it does a very nice job establishing Allie and her life/relationship. I like the logline, too, except for this part:ReplyDelete
"...she suddenly has a bigger battle on her hands than crow’s feet."
It seems awkward to me...like words are missing. Perhaps something along the lines of: "...she suddenly has a bigger fight on her hand than the one she's been waging against crow’s feet."
Good luck with this!
I like this. I wanted not to since it is describing the ordinary but I think that proves that good writing and a likable character can be all you need to draw readers in. Great job. I'm torn about the logline. I liked the shortness of the crow's feet line that you have but I guess I see what the last poster is saying. I still think shorter is better though.ReplyDelete
The logline is good, but I would like to know what kind of battle is she facing? One only to save her boyfriends life or her own as well, or is there some larger, diabolical plot by these nephilim? Why do they want the boyfriend?ReplyDelete
And the excerpt was good, too, until I got to this line:
She could picture her girlfriend’s reaction to that little tidbit- hot stepping away from her with palms raised, like she was an armed madwoman.
The part about 'hot stepping away from her with palms raised'...what are you saying here? I thought she was just buying his deoderant. Does she put it on him, too? This sentence confused me and I had to read it a few times before I just gave up trying to understand it and moved on, but that knocked me out of the story and I didn't get back into it with the last few lines.