Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Hangover Round 2 Entry #7

TITLE: Down into Darkness
GENRE: Science Fiction 


Linguist Brian Marconi arrives on Jupiter’s moon to discover that his only predecessor was killed by the alien colony she went to contact. In a race against time, Brian must solve the riddles of alien culture if he hopes to find an avenue for peace before Earth steps in to resolve the problem with brute force.


“He’s a smart kid, Amani,” said the gray-bearded man seated at his ironwood desk. “It’ll be a shame to lose him.”

“He could make it,” the standing, dark-haired man replied.

“Not likely.”

“He’s a soldier, Erickson. even if he doesn’t know it.”

“Isn’t that true…” Erickson reached for the old-fashioned globe of Mars on his desk and set it spinning with a stroke of his hand. “Amani, I don’t know what we need most, justification for war with the damn Mars colony, or sufficient intelligence about Jupiter’s little devils to know what the hell’s going on.” His eyes flicked to a second globe out of reach to one side, a globe few would recognize: Jupiter’s third moon, Ganymede.

“It’s now in the hands of Allah,” Amani said.

Erickson’s beard rasped like steel wool against his uniform as he nodded, raising a hand to touch the shape of a cross concealed beneath the fabric of his shirt. Then he reached out to slow the spinning orb of mars, his fingers dragging at the globe like gravity, or the hand of God, until the northern latitudes came to rest beneath his thumb.

* * * * *

Brian brought his face close to the ship’s tiny porthole, fogging the space-glass as he looked out. He steadied himself in the darkness, gripping the wall bar to support his weightless body while he wiped the window with a sleeve. Outside, the forbidding world of Mars floated beyond his one-man craft. It looked so innocent.

3 comments:

  1. Probably just a copy/paste issue, but the entire excerpt is in italics which makes it hard to read. Only use italics for emphasis or for internal thought.

    The logline is good, has all its parts. The only thing that seemed a little confusing to me was about the alien colony. Do they live on Jupiter’s moon or did the predecessor leave the moon in her efforts to contact the aliens? If they live there and killed her, why would they let Brian live to solve the riddles?

    The excerpt:

    The opening dialog isn’t entirely clear. Is Amani the smart kid or the person the gray-bearded man is talking to? The reader finds out later, but it muddles the initial understanding of the dialog. An easy fix would be to have the next dialog tag be: ‘Amani said.’ instead of a description of Amani, which you can provide later.

    Dialog can be tricky. Try reading it aloud and see if it sounds right to you. Most of the time, people don’t repeatedly say the name of the person they are speaking to.

    Why mention few would recognize the globe of Jupiter’s third moon? I think you could take that little descriptor out as it kicked me out of the story. Not many would recognize a globe of Mars either, but that doesn’t seem to be an issue for your characters. They obviously know what is depicted in the 2nd globe and that's all that matters.

    The last paragraph has a THEN sentence which gives it an automatic telling feel. For the first sentence, I’m not Islamic/Muslim, so I don’t know, but do they have a cross as a religious image? Most often, you would think of a Christian when you say cross and they don’t call God Allah. Maybe you mention this to show they have differing religious beliefs and yet still work together, but it isn’t clear here and left me a little confused. I would consider cutting this sentence if the most important thing it tells the reader is that Erickson has a scratchy beard.

    Remove the ‘Then’ in the next sentence: Erickson reached out to slow the spinning orb of Mars, his fingers dragging at the globe like gravity--or the hand of God--until it came to a full stop.
    (Northern latitudes seemed like an odd description to me because the entire northern half of the globe would be the northern latitudes and unless his thumb is massive, I can’t picture how it can come to rest beneath his thumb. I mean, I get what you meant, but it isn't clear. Maybe mention the name of the area resting under his thumb...that could work too.)

    I like the premise of this Sci-Fi b/c I love stories that explore other worlds and alien cultures (I’m a huge Stargate/Star Trek/Star Wars fan). Tighten up the dialog and I’d read on.

    Thanks for sharing & good luck!

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  2. I love sci-fi, and as former linguist- think this is a great concept.

    Linguist Brian Marconi arrives on Jupiter’s moon to discover that his only predecessor was killed by the alien colony she went to contact. (you can probably cut only.)In a race against time, Brian must solve the riddles of alien culture if he hopes to find an avenue for peace before Earth steps in to resolve the problem with brute force.


    “He’s a smart kid, Amani,” said the gray-bearded man seated at his ironwood desk. “It’ll be a shame to lose him.” (Agree- this confuses the characters.)

    “He could make it,” the standing, dark-haired man replied.

    “Not likely.”

    “He’s a soldier, Erickson. even if he doesn’t know it.”

    “Isn’t that true…” Erickson reached for the old-fashioned globe of Mars on his desk and set it spinning with a stroke of his hand. “Amani, I don’t know what we need most, justification for war with the damn Mars colony, or sufficient intelligence about Jupiter’s little devils to know what the hell’s going on.” His eyes flicked to a second globe out of reach to one side, a globe few would recognize: Jupiter’s third moon, Ganymede.

    “It’s now in the hands of Allah,” Amani said. (Yes, once you establish characters... you don't need to have them keep repeating names.)

    Erickson’s beard rasped like steel wool against his uniform as he nodded, raising a hand to touch the shape of a cross concealed beneath the fabric of his shirt. Then he reached out to slow the spinning orb of mars, his fingers dragging at the globe like gravity, or the hand of God, until the northern latitudes came to rest beneath his thumb.

    * * * * *

    Brian brought his face close to the ship’s tiny porthole, fogging the space-glass as he looked out. He steadied himself in the darkness, gripping the wall bar to support his weightless body while he wiped the window with a sleeve. Outside, the forbidding world of Mars floated beyond his one-man craft. It looked so innocent.


    Good luck!

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  3. I thought this was very good writing. There was probably a bit of resistance in me at the feeling I was reading a prologue - even if it was well written prologue.

    The main source of confusion here -I think - is that there are three people speaking. See, I still don't know, maybe it's late at night, but still a reader shouldn't have to struggle to figure it out and in the meantime they miss the gems....of which later!

    The logline is perfect but I tripped up on '..she went to contact.." I would cut it. It's not necessary. And later in the prologue '....with a stroke of his hand...' again, I would cut it, not necessary and just a tiny bit over written.

    These are the things that are strong and incredibly evocative for me: '...beard rasped like steel wool..' and the entire sentence from 'his fingers dragging at the globe....' to the end.

    This same attention to detail is beautiful in the paragraph about Brian. It's science fiction but it feels very earthy and human. I like the play offs. His breath fogs the space glass while he stares out at Mars. Then there is the the weightless body (spacey) and 'wiped the window with a sleeve' (domestic, even mundane. And powerful.) I would like to read more of this.

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