tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post1056921114337614711..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Hangover Round 2 Entry #6K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-65880713284671323642013-01-06T00:14:03.408-05:002013-01-06T00:14:03.408-05:00Nice opening visual, but it doesn't draw me in...Nice opening visual, but it doesn't draw me into the story. Is the the jumping razor suppose to show us that the someone that is there is invisible? I really like to see more information in your log line.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17948717395946476483noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-23181668979986346112013-01-02T09:37:10.564-05:002013-01-02T09:37:10.564-05:00I agree, start the story as close to the action as...I agree, start the story as close to the action as possible. Act now and explain later by dropping in pertinent information. Since the logline is different from what will appear on the book jacket it is okay to give us the information such as the who/conflict/stakes. Great scene description, but condense. Build the suspense, but get me to the action :) Good job.Staceyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08283918464317858260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-58061392348997337412012-12-27T13:35:44.219-05:002012-12-27T13:35:44.219-05:00I agree with Samantha. Your logline is too general...I agree with Samantha. Your logline is too general. I can't tell what the story is about. What makes it urban fantasy? Does it have fairies or wizards in it? What makes it romance? Who does she have this romance with?<br /><br />I also agree about starting with a shower. We need to see your character doing something that shows her life changing. Some big scene that shows why the story should start here.<br /><br />I believe you have too much description in this first page. Readers want to see the story moving along. You don't need to describe the bathroom and shower so thoroughly.<br /><br />The ending is kind of exciting, knowing that someone is in the bathroom with her. I'm curious to know who it is.<br /><br />Good luck!Shanika L. Bynumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18212374073199005198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-85322887501345760162012-12-27T11:42:54.982-05:002012-12-27T11:42:54.982-05:00The logline doesn’t tell me enough information. Gi...The logline doesn’t tell me enough information. Give me something more about Sarah – her age/profession/personality. What is the conflict? What decision must Sarah make and what are the stakes for her decision? What is going to make this story special and unique?<br /><br />The excerpt:<br /><br />The opening scene doesn’t seem like the appropriate place to start this story. Taking a shower is such a mundane activity and really not very interesting. <br /><br />The second paragraph is the best and most interesting out of the four.<br /><br />In the third paragraph, she tells the reader that others would think she is crazy rather than letting the reader make that assumption on his/her own.<br /><br />And the razor thing is bizarre but didn’t confirm her lack of aloneness to me. Maybe describe the razor as lifting and hovering for a few seconds before shattering against the shower floor. Also, I was confused when Sarah jumped, you said she nearly lost her footing and then landed…I’d remove ‘when she landed’. It made me think she’d fallen even though you said she hadn’t lost her footing.<br /><br />Hope this helps and thanks for sharing. Good luck!Samantha Jeanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02193467123499224688noreply@blogger.com