TITLE: The Legacy of the Eye
GENRE: Science Fiction
On a school-planet supposed to value merit over birthright, the top graduate with a degree in Governance discovers that all headmasters came from the same lineage and that the girl he just kissed is next in line. A self-imposed exile could thwart his parents’ plan to marry him onto a throne that shouldn't exist--if he can evade the bait to bring him home.
"Cat, we're stepping into our future and you're not even paying attention."
Catrine’s hand halted, palm pressed against the cool surface of the heavy wood door. She raised her eyebrows at David and made no further motion to exit the main building of the Academy.
"Our future doesn't start for another couple of weeks," she said.
They were allowed to leave the school that day because the council had granted them an audience. Graduation was still two weeks away.
"You're wrong. This is it. Today we make history." David pushed the door open and the mid-afternoon light rushed into the hall.
She chuckled. "We should wait until the council approves the Tutor Program before we celebrate."
"Why would they reject it? You wrote a great proposal. The argumentation is flawless."
"Just because you couldn't find any faults, doesn't mean the council won't."
They walked toward the front gates of the Academy. The wooden bars stood wide open and seemed more decorative than a true barrier to their exit. Catrine’s eyes were still adjusting to the brightness, but they took in the novelty of her surroundings. This was the first time either student had left the school since their enrollment at the age of two. They were both eighteen now, but Catrine did not feel as ready to conquer the galaxy as David was. Her insides were twisted in knots. She had eaten hardly anything all day. But she would not let her nervousness show--not even to her best friend.
First thing I noticed was that you didn't name your MC in your logline, or give an age. I would definitely include this as it gives a bit of grounding before delving into the body of the work.
ReplyDeleteI would also suggest a reworking of the last line of the logline:
"A self-imposed exile could thwart his parents’ plan to marry him onto a throne that shouldn't exist--if he can evade the bait to bring him home"
Perhaps give a teaser as to what "the bait" is?
Your first page is interesting, but it seems to be a lot of "tell" and not enough "show". For example:
"They were allowed to leave the school that day because the council had granted them an audience. Graduation was still two weeks away."
I would try to rework that into the dialogue as opposed to telling the reader directly. A lot can given to the reader by way of conversation without it feeling like a lecture.
The story idea sounds intriguing, but I think your first page still needs a little work.
I hope this helps somewhat ;-)
Good luck!
Karen
I agree with Anonymous, above. I think this page would benefit from a bit more "showing." I also found the "self-imposed exile" line a bit hard to follow. I know we had a word limit on our logline, but maybe if you gave more specifics to the "bait." Also, maybe it's just me, but I feel like the name Cat (or Kat) is overdone in sci fi/fantasy these days. I know it's a popular name (I have 3 friends named Kat), but all I can think of is Katniss (Hunger Games) and Katsa (Graceling). Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteI do like the premise, though. Good luck!