Monday, December 17, 2012

Hangover Round 1 Entry #46

Title: Desiderium
Genre: YA Fantasy


With four billion people in the world, seventeen-year-old Rhiley Winters never imagined she could be the one person in the world with the ability to turn desires into reality. But that all changes when her life is put in jeopardy by a government that has outlawed wants and desires when she wishes for more time and finds it standing still around her.

If I could somehow figure out a way to squeeze thirty-six hours into a twenty-four hour period, I just might have time for a life. Aside from getting rich off of my brilliant idea, I would have an extra twelve hours every day to do something other than eat, sleep, and breathe work and school. I could hang out with my friends and do whatever it is normal teenagers do in their free time. But I can’t want more time. I can’t want anything. Not if I don’t want to end up in jail.

A flickering yellow light draws my gaze to the steel band clinging to my wrist. It’s been weeks since I set off my bracelet, but I guess it was bound to happen again sooner or later. Sometimes I don’t even have to think about how nice it would be to have more time. All I have to do is think about how many things need to get done, and it’s enough to push the dopamine in my bloodstream over the legal limit. I really need to be more careful.

I take a deep breath and try to distract myself with reigning in the loose strands that have escaped my ponytail.

“Rhiley!” My heart leaps out of my chest as someone yells my name across the hall.

I plaster a smile to my face and nudge my jacket over the blinking light. The last thing I need is someone thinking I’m the Desiderium.

7 comments:

  1. I really like the idea behind your story, and your writing, but there are a few problems with flow. Take your query,for example. The last line needs something: "But that all changes when her life is put in jeopardy by a government that has outlawed wants and desires when she wishes for more time and finds it standing still around her." It is a sentence, but it has no breaks or pauses. It sounds a bit disjointed, and this sentence needs to pull people in.

    I also had problems here: "But I can’t want more time. I can’t want anything. Not if I don’t want to end up in jail." Can't want just doesn't sound right to my ear.... Here's another one: "I plaster a smile to my face"- I plaster a smile on my face sounds a bit better. What do you think?

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  2. While this is a very unique idea, your pitch could be cut to tighten it. In the first sentence 'in the world' isn't necessary. It's understood.

    Consider a rewording of the second sentence to put the most active word at the end. All that changes when the government puts her life in jeopardy.

    Wants and desires have been outlawed and when she wishes for more time, she finds it standing still around her.

    In the sample the word 'reigning' should be 'reining'.

    I feel like your opening is telling us the set-up for this really interesting world. You need to show it. Consider if starting with her talking to herself in a frantic way about all she has to get done, and then her seeing the bracelet flashing might not be a great way to show.

    The way she nudges down her jacket is a great show. She's showing the bracelet is dangerous to her.

    A little bit of work and this will really shine.

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  3. I definitely like the premise, but I'm going to second a lot of what Susan and Michelle said. In your pitch, the last part is confusing: "that has outlawed wants and desires when she wishes for more time and finds it standing still around her." Reading just the pitch, I'm confused by what time "standing still" means to the character. Are you being literal, or figurative?

    As for the 250 word beginning... I don't feel quite grounded in the story yet. The first paragraph is all in her head, and I don't quite see where she is. Like Michelle says, "show it." The only clues are a "flickering yellow light" and "across the hall." Is she in a jail cell? School? Somewhere else? I think if you ground us in setting from the get go, we can visualize everything much better from the start.

    Again, I really like the premise, and am interested in where this story goes from here!!

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  4. I am really intrigued by the premise but it feels passive- not an active grab. Try something like this:


    Seventeen-year-old Rhiley Winters never imagined she could be the one person in the world who could turn desires into reality. But when the government outlaws wants and desires, her ability jeopardizes not only her freedom but her life when she wishes for more time and finds it standing still around her.

    The first page, likewise wants some tightening. Consider starting with the second paragraph. It is more immediate- something is happening instead just telling. We'll find out all the stuff in the first paragraph as she goes- grab us by the collar and pull us in. It's the first kernel of trouble.

    The flickering yellow light draws my gaze to the steel band clinging to my wrist. It’s been weeks since I set off my bracelet, but I guess it was bound to happen again sooner or later. Sometimes I don’t even have to think about how nice it would be to have more time. All I have to do is think about how many things need to get done, and it’s enough to push the dopamine in my bloodstream over the legal limit. I really need to be more careful.

    “Rhiley!” My heart leaps out of my chest as someone yells my name across the hall.

    I plaster a smile on my face and tug my jacket over the blinking light. The last thing I need is someone thinking I’m the Desiderium.

    I'd definitely be interested in seeing where you take this.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the advice. I never would have thought to being with the second paragraph instead, but I'm loving the idea. Thanks!

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    2. I agree with SMKrafty - starting with the second paragraph is much catchier. Good luck!

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  5. The logline isn't working for me - the second sentence is too confusing and the whole thing feels too wordy. Character, Conflict, Decision, Stakes with a splash of setting and action mixed in with minimal words.

    I do like the idea and I really like the opening sentence. I've often wished for the same thing, so right away, I connect with the MC. The second sentence feels like it needs some tweaking to make it flow right. The rest of the paragraph I like until the last sentence. The double negative just messes with my head. Reword it. I get what you were trying to do, but it doesn't work the way it is now. Maybe try something like "Not unless I want to end up in jail, too." or something like that.

    The rest of the entry was ho-hum for me. Maybe because the double negative threw me out, but I think it seemed too telling and, well, it kind of bored me.

    I do think you've got a great idea and can make it work with just a little more tweaking.

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