Monday, December 17, 2012

Hangover Round 1 Entry #44

TITLE: Breeding Grounds
GENRE: Literary Fiction

When a drunken fisherman hits a quiet immigrant in a bar one night, he sets off a series of events that end with his wife dead in a rock pile. Nobody ever expected much out of her, but she sure had a knack for drama. How she ended up dead is a story that unfolds through the lives and voices of five very different working class characters. 

At eight o’clock in the God damned morning, the Little Sergeant was downstairs banging on the barroom door. He knows damn well the Walleye doesn’t open until noon on Sundays—the church ladies would have a conniption fit. I hit the sack maybe four hours earlier when the last trawler left the pier, and I was just starting to dream. So in the back of my head, I heard this banging and the Little Sergeant screaming, “Police! Open Up!” over and over again.  Usually I got a knack for guiding my dreams the way I want them to go--this was not what I had in mind. When I realized it was no dream, I woke up. It was damned cold out but I opened up my window anyway, and looked down to the sidewalk, and said to him, “What seems to be the trouble Officer Alvarez?” He really didn’t like it when I called him “Officer” but he hated being called the “Little Sergeant” worse, and after I saw his face, I was glad as hell I didn’t call him that. You know, I always figured you could find one redeeming quality in just about everybody, but the only thing I ever really liked about Joe Alvarez was that, for all the ribbing he got over the years, he seemed to stay harmless. I mean, he took it like he was sort of self-contained, a man in his own mind. But when I saw the guy, the street empty behind him, that Sunday morning November quiet, and the kind of gray New England cold you get this time of year, he was just the opposite.

12 comments:

  1. The logline is intriguing and makes me want to read more. You’ve created a unique voice for your character, a quality you’ll need in order to write from five different voices. This narrator seems like the affable guy who stands at a bar and entertains everyone with his wild stories perhaps while pulling their wallets from their pockets. But this first page is confusing, partly because you change verb tense, using present and past tense. I suggest you write in simple past tense. It’s easiest to read and less clumsy. This should be three paragraphs, not a long rambling one. You need to divide it. The last sentence is puzzle. Exactly what is Alvarez the opposite of: the dreary day, harmless, or self-contained? Get these issues cleaned up and you’ve got a great story to tell.

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  2. Completely agree with Heartfelt. The pitch totally drew me in (other than the moment where you say, "How she ended up dead is a story", as it pulls me out of the story), and I think you've got something here.

    That said though, the switch in tense throughout the first 250 words had me confused too. As Heartfelt suggests, a simple past tense could easily fix this. Otherwise, you've established a very clear and interesting voice right from the start!

    Good luck.

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  3. I think that logline would be much more effective if you cut the last two sentences. They serve to unhook my interest after the first line sets up a strong "How does the one thing connect to the other?" reaction.

    As far as the first page, the writing has a lot of voice, but it's hard to follow. Not impossible to follow, but difficult. And not quite interesting enough. Interesting will trump difficult, but the MC's voice is not enough to make me want to read more at this point.

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  4. Thank you Heartfelt and Liz S. for your helpful comments. I'll definitely attend to the tense and paragraph breaks, etc.
    A.G., thanks for taking the time to comment on something that doesn't interest you and is difficult to follow. Very helpful.

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    1. Don't let my critique make you think I didn't like this. I think you have something there, but the logline should be focused on the story, NOT how it's told. And the first page piques interest but is not as clear as I think it could be. And since it IS the first page you want to be drawing the reader in. Let that borderline stream-of-consciousness narrative creep in slowly, once you have the reader hooked on what's happening and your MC's excellent voice. :)

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    2. Thanks AG. Writing loglines and query letters, for me, are nightmarish tasks. I certainly understand if the logline is trash. And, the fact that the first 250 doesn't work for most everybody here tells me something should be done. Your point about telling story is at the crux of it obviously. Until now, I've had good reviews (received a fellowship) with this work, so these responses are a bit of a surprise--but always responses, whatever they are, are helpful and telling, and I always take whatever people say seriously and into account. Thanks again for taking the time to write. I really appreciate it.

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  5. Agree on the tense issues. Also, I feel the voice is a bit uneven - some of the vocab seems inconsistent - the word, "conniption" stood out to me as not seeming to belong. I think it would be easier to read in several paragraphs, as well. Further, the last sentence doesn't make sense to me either - what is he the opposite of exactly? I like the concept but I'm not sure I would read more.

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  6. I agree with what everyone else has said...good voice to the character (some inconsistencies) but the structure needs cleaning up. Also, watch the telling. And for myself, the swearing in the first line made me instantly dislike the character, but that's just me and I wouldn't expect or want you to change the character for me. Not every reader can like every character. That said, the swear should be written as one word,'goddamn'. And the conniption really doesn't fit the voice.

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  7. Again, thanks everybody. Very helpful comments.

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  8. I agree with the other comments. There is a strong voice here, but some of the writing needs to be tighter. There may be an agreement issue in the logline: shouldn't it be a "series of events that ends," rather than "end?" (Agreement with the singular "series," not the plural "events?") Those are complicated, and I confess to re-writing to avoid them when I just can't figure it out!

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  9. I like this a lot - I am right there in the pub, picturing the scene with the characters, and there's a lot of voice. I didn't even mind the lack of paragraphs (although it'd be better with them) because I was caught up in your writing. Just make sure your tense is the same all through, and I'd get rid of 'conniption' which sounds like a word a child would use, not a rough grown man.

    I think this is a lot better than some of the adult entries that made the cut, so really don't change it too much!

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  10. I am really grateful for all of your comments. So very helpful. I've been thinking about them all day! If any of you have entries that I haven't already commented on, I'd be happy to. Let me know your entry numbers. Thanks again. This has been very helpful. Can't wait to work on more of it.

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