Title: FLUTTER
Genre: MG (magical realism)
Twelve-year-old Mandy finds an ancestor’s journal at Grandpa’s farmhouse, reads a flying spell… and grows strange, leathery wings! Flying is fantastic, but at school Mandy’s an outsider, too freaky. Her absentee mother shows up with Hollywood plans for her Winged Wonder Girl – but a glamorous life with the mother Mandy longed for means leaving loyal Grandpa and the two friends who stood by her – one is her crush, and he’s totally crushing back.
The above logline is mine, and I went back and forth between what I posted, and this:
ReplyDeleteTwelve-year-old Mandy finds an ancestor’s journal at Grandpa’s farmhouse, reads a flying spell…and awakens with strange, leathery wings! Flying is fantastic, but wings make her an outsider at school. Her absentee mother shows up with superstar plans for her Winged Wonder Girl – but a Hollywood life with the mother Mandy longed for means leaving her grandpa who was always there, and her crush… who’s TOTALLY crushing back.
Please let me know which one you think is stronger, or any other suggestions. Thank you!
Skywriter, I like the second one better, with a couple of tweaks. I would keep the wording from the first one re: "...and GROWS strange, leathery wings" otherwise it kind of reads like she's saying the spell in her sleep. Also I think it should be "but THE wings make her an outsider..." Beyond that, I think this is great. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI agree with K Callard on all counts. This looks great, though--good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the second MUCH better. But go with your gut.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I also like the second one better. I wonder whether you could sharpen up the final part by saying, "...means leaving her [adjective] grandpa and her crush...who's TOTALLY crushing back." Rather than "grandpa who was always there." Just a suggestion. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI know word count was on your mind before...if you need to trim, could change "grandfather who was always there for her" to "beloved grandpa." Or you know what? All three of these people stood by her, right? Why not do,
ReplyDeletemeans leaving the three people who have always stood by her--including the crush who's totally crushing her back.
Or do you feel you need to mention the grandpa? No, imo, but others might disagree...
And P.S. if you have the time to spare, could you do me the hugest favor and peek at the comments for The Ones logline (#2, I think)? Your feedback on all of these rounds has been so helpful and I would be super grateful for your take on this new version I added in the comments a minute ago!
If anyone is still checking, do you think this is too spare? I took out the line about being an outsider at school. Also, should I change "always stood by her?" Wondering if it makes it sound like Grandpa stood by her mother. I think it's clear, but another opinion would be helpful. Loglines are hard!
ReplyDeleteTwelve-year-old Mandy finds an ancestor’s journal at Grandpa’s farmhouse, reads a flying spell… and grows strange, leathery wings! Her absentee-mother shows up with superstar plans for her Winged Wonder Girl – but a Hollywood life with the mother Mandy longed for means leaving Grandpa, who always stood by her, and her crush… who’s TOTALLY crushing back.
I don't think too spare in the least! In fact, imo you could go even sparer and cut the second mother ref. Though I'm sure some people would disagree, saying the "mother Mandy longed for" raises the stakes...
ReplyDeleteTwelve-year-old Mandy finds an ancestor’s journal at Grandpa’s farmhouse, reads a flying spell… and grows strange, leathery wings! Her absentee-mother shows up with superstar plans for her Winged Wonder Girl – but a Hollywood life would mean leaving Grandpa, who always stood by her, and her crush… who’s TOTALLY crushing back.
(I think this is the point where we're trying to hit the 'right' answer, when the truth is, these things are ultimately as subjective as whether an agent thinks a certain voice or topic is for him/her.) Honestly, I think it looks pretty solid either way. And Flutter is a great MG title. I could def see my daughter wanting to read it. Good luck! And thanks for your help!
Skywriter, I think your newest revision works! The bit about school isn't missed; it really isn't needed IMO.
ReplyDeleteI do like the suggestion of "beloved" grandfather.
However I'm going to disagree with Robyn because I do think "mother Mandy longed for" adds to the conflict. In any case, I think it's looking good!
So great! I'm learning a lot by reading your log lines! And I'm still loving the story very much. Congrats on getting an agent to ask for more! Yay! Seems like you're getting your own set of 'wings'!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I like 'winged wonder girl'...it feels...like it's pushing it a bit, but it is catchy.
Continued good luck!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDue to typo! :)
DeleteI like the second iteration better as well. I agree with dropping the school mention...I like the "mother Mandy longed for" because it adds depth, and I like the idea of "beloved" grandfather. Sounds like a fun read!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the helpful advice and suggestions. I hope to see all of you on the BD auction block!
ReplyDelete