Previous Post #19
TITLE: Imminent
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
When seventeen-year-old Alexa learns she generates the power needed to sustain a race, she finds herself locked in a battle over mankind between two paranormal species. With her side in the war predetermined by her love for a Sentinel, Alexa knows she alone can end the chaos, but it could change Alexa's life and humanity forever...or kill her.
I was with you when she said she was locked in a battle over mankind, more or less. But I have no idea what you mean by her side in the war being predetermined by her love for a sentinel. There are like five things going on in that sentence--I think you're going to want to simplify.
ReplyDeleteSentinels are one of the paranormal species battling for mankind, so by falling for one, her side in the battle was already determined before she knew about it. Would it make more sense if it said she was locked in the middle of a battle over mankind?
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment!
I'm a little bit lost about the power part. What kind of power is this? Could you specify that a bit? Also, try putting an em-dash where your ellipse is, to make it stronger.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, this sounds totally intriguing. Good luck!
It's just power, like electricity to appliances, hers is power basically fuel. You're right about the em-dash; I had it before and second guesses myself. Thank you for your comment!!
ReplyDelete*guessed
ReplyDeleteHer power is basically fuel to a race, that should've said.
Sorry for the typos!
I agree that being clearer about her power would make the first line stronger. The last sentence is a little vague for me. It sounds interesting. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteHmm. Do you think the word "energy" would explain it better than the word "power"?
ReplyDeleteI believe this logline is at 59 words, so I don't want to make it too wordy, so any suggestions on how to rework the last line so that it's less vague would be a huge help!
Thanks for your comment!
With her side in the war predetermined by her love for a Sentinel, Alexa knows she alone can end the chaos, but it could change Alexa's life and humanity forever...or kill her.
ReplyDeleteMaybe try....
Alexa's love for a Sentinel predetermines the outcome of the war and if she follows her heart it could mean losing her humanity.
I don't know....I'm confused as to what the main point of the sentence is. Just trying to help =)
Thanks for trying, Anita. It's humanity as is the world, though, not hers. And her side in the war because of who she chooses to love doesn't determine the outcome.
ReplyDeleteIt's crazy cause this logline is the product of another critique round. It's great to get some fresh takes on it.