Thursday, November 1, 2012

Last Call Logline #13

Previous Post #9

TITLE: Faithless Rose
GENRE: YA Paranormal
Killed at the hands of King Henry VIII’s men and brought back to life as a succubus, seventeen-year-old Amelia Godwin cannot change her fate. She can however, change the fate of her kidnapped twin brother, if only she can find him. But, the threat of being hunted makes Amelia realize, in order to save her brother, she must first save herself.


  1. I think it improved from the other version but still the last sentence needs tweaking. Threat of being hunted? Is she being hunted or did someone just threatened to hunt her? Also, you say she cannot change her fate but then it feels contradictory that she must save herself before saving her brother.

    Anyway, I think this is a very cool concept and historical-type fiction is very "in" now according to agents' blogs.

    Good luck with BD!

  2. Overall, this looks really good. I've got only a few small stylistic suggestions: Add a comma before "however," change out the comma after "twin brother" for an em-dash, and get rid of the comma after "but." Good luck!

  3. I agree with Jessica about changing her fate vs saving herself. It does seem contradictory. You could say she cannot "return to human form" or "come back to life" or whatever you want, as long as it's specific and not contradictory with saving herself. OR, even better, you could make the final sentence something like "... if only she can find him. But that's going to be difficult as she's being hunted herself." Or something. You see what I mean - simpler, not contradictory, and it doesn't change the tone at all.

    Love your concept though! I'd read it!

  4. This sounds like a very interesting premise.

    I am showing my ignorance here, but I have no idea what a succubus is. I'm guessing the agents you're wanting to attract will.
    You've used "fate" twice. Can you change one of them to "destiny" or some other word?
    I agree with the others - "save herself" is a bit vague. Can you give the reader more info without adding too many more words?

    Good luck! This is hard!

  5. Lori A. Goldstein (@_lagold)November 2, 2012 at 1:56 PM

    I liked the idea last time and really like this change. I agree that "saving herself" would be better with something more specific. Perhaps also, change the second "fate" to "destiny" to avoid duplication. As for succubus, those of us who watched Charmed know, but maybe if you add "sexy" it'd at least give those an idea if they don't know. Good luck!

  6. Isn't a logline supposed to be 1-2 sentences? You'll have to combine two of your sentences because you have three here. Maybe the last two sentences could be joined like this: "She can change the fate of her kidnapped twin brother though, but in order to save him, she must first save herself from being hunted..." and at the end of that sentence say what she is being hunted by.

  7. Michelle, thanks for commenting on my logline! Right back atcha, girl!

    Here's my take. First of all, I had to look up what succubus meant (gasp!). Very sexy. Is her 'ability' then to appear as a gorgeous sexual being in order to help save her brother? Who brought her back to life and why? Or does she just appear? Why does she want to save her brother? Why is he kidnapped? I'm very interested in all the answers to these questions, and I know you can't answer all of them in the I think what I'd like to know the most is if the reason she's come back to life is, in fact, to save her brother....and how her gift (shall I say) as a succubus can help her to this - even if she's being hunted...

    I think getting a clearer understanding of what I just asked will help with the 'fate' vs 'saving herself' confusion.

    I really like your idea - know that!

    Thanks! (#7)