Thursday, November 1, 2012

Last Call Logline #4

Previous Post #28

TITLE: Dreamcatcher
GENRE: YA Speculative
When sixteen-year-old Lauren discovers she’s in a coma-induced, utopian dream world, she thinks it’s her lucky break. However, when she learns her real-life family is crumbling without her, her dream quickly becomes a nightmare. While she sleeps, her subconscious rules, and it will do anything to keep her from waking—even if it means driving Lauren insane.

8 comments:

  1. I like this one. I think it's tight and really makes me want to read more.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like your concept. I would love to know WHY she thinks it's her lucky break to be in a coma (is her real life really tough? What is she escaping?). If you could tell me that, you could say "until she learns her real-life family is crumbling without her," and lose the "dream becomes a nightmare" because it's a cliche and you might be better suited leaving it out.

    Also, is her subconscious an actual character? If it is, I would make that clear, because it is a killer idea and I love it!

    Great concept! Hope that helps!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like this too! I also stumbled on the "lucky break" bit. I can see why she feels that way--since her dream-world is a utopia--but maybe it could be worded differently? Maybe something like "... she thinks she'd love to stay in this perfect dream forever." ?? Just a suggestion.
    Aside from that, I think this reads really well. I love the last line--fabulous!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well done. Clear, concise and it definitely hooks me! Best of luck with BD!

    ReplyDelete
  5. The 'lucky break' part also trips me up, but I love the rest. Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I would read this! Absolutely love the idea. My question is, if she's in a coma, how does she learn her family is crumbling? Is she still semi-conscious to what's happening around her? I agree with the others about the "lucky break" part; it leads me to believe she has a hard life and needed that escape. If that's not the case, I'd consider rewording. And avoid the cliche; agents frown on them.

    Great job and good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for all the fantastic feedback, everyone! How's this?

    When sixteen-year-old Lauren discovers she’s living in a coma-induced dream world where she can have anything she wants, she thinks it’s her lucky break. However, when she learns her real-life family is crumbling without her, her perfect dream becomes a prison. While she sleeps, her subconscious rules, and it will do anything to keep her from waking—even if it means driving Lauren insane.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Or this?

    When sixteen-year-old Lauren discovers she’s living in a coma-induced dream world where she can have anything she wants, she thinks it’s her lucky break. That is, until she realizes she can’t leave. While she sleeps, her subconscious rules, and it will do anything to keep her from waking—even if it means driving Lauren insane.

    ReplyDelete