TITLE: Apple Boxes
GENRE: MG Contemporary
What do you do when life hands you a bunch of apple boxes? You move.
Again. Jayden believes it will mean a long, lonely summer before
starting her third Jr. High. But does it? Between the flasher, the
funeral, and Fishbait the cat, Jayden’s summer is anything but boring.
And starting a new school…well, that’s always exciting, isn’t it?
I don't think you need any of your rhetorical questions. I've heard agents complain that they really dislike them. I think that this could be stronger if you remove them and try something like: "x-yr-old Jayden believes moving again will mean a long, lonely summer before starting her third Jr. High. But between the flasher, the funeral, and Fishbait the cat, Jayden's summer is anything but boring." That's assuming the book is about Jayden's summer.ReplyDelete
Anyway, that's my two cents, for what it's worth. Good luck.
I've read your first 250 words on Miss Snark and I don't think you're doing your work justice here... Your writing there was very middle grade, but this almost reads like a picture book logline with Fishbait the cat. And then the flasher thing makes me think, eek, for middle grade? That's so much more YA.ReplyDelete
Also, the life hands you lemons thing is taking up a lot of room without conveying any info (what does it mean that life hands you apple boxes? nothing.) I suggest trying to focus on your main conflict instead...
Yes, what K Callard said. Questions in loglines and queries are generally frowned upon. ; ) Also, try not to use "you," it's a little heavy handed because you're speaking directly to the reader ("you move again.") Maybe along the lines of:ReplyDelete
When life hands her a bunch of apple boxes, fifteen-year-old Jayden knows it's time to move again. Great. Another long, lonely summer before starting her third Jr. High. But between the flasher, the funeral, and Fishbait the cat, Jayden’s summer is anything but boring. And when school starts in the fall, Jayden finds out why this time she's going to have to stay put: the world's most gorgeous guy happens to sit next to her in geometry. (I added this line to show some kind of stakes).
What are the stakes? Does she join the softball team and make her first real friend? Does this town finally feel like Home? Is there something specific she would lose if she moves again? Stakes will give your logline more depth and resonance so it's more than "Jayden's interesting summer." I know it IS much more than that, I read the first page on another site and found it compelling and well written. Best wishes with this! It sounds like a great read. : )
I like skywriter's suggestions. This sounds like such a cute story! Good luck!ReplyDelete
I agree with K Callard about removing the rhetorical question. I also very much like skywriter's suggestions.ReplyDelete
In addition to the comments above, I was just a little confused if this is about the summer leading up to the school year, or if it includes both. I do agree it sounds like a cute story, though :)ReplyDelete
I also agree about the rhetorical questions. Skywriter's suggestions are perfect. And also, you have too many sentences here. A logline should be 1-2 sentences.ReplyDelete