Thursday, November 1, 2012

Last Call Logline #5

Previous Post #20

Title: Codename Eagle Chick
Genre: YA Spy Thriller

When a Secret Service agent tracks down the president’s missing son, he finds him in hiding with a battered CIA recruit, an overly-suave CIA operative, and a lesbian, Irish coffee-loving tech guru who’s their only connection with the enigmatic intelligence powerhouse named Luthor. Together, they have to find “the faction” that wants the president’s son dead and stop their plan to profit from a potential world war with the U.S. and China at its center.


  1. I'm still a little lost in this one. I need a little more info on who Luthor is in the story (the antagonist?) and why they want him. And I don't really see how the first sentence connects with the second--why would a CIA agent have to find the president's "missing" son if the kid was just in hiding? And who are they hiding FROM? "The faction" or Luthor or what?

    Good luck with this! I'm sure your story's fantastic--great stakes, here--but I'm not quite getting it from the logline.

  2. I think you definitely need to lose the laundry list of characters and focus on one - your protagonist. Then, you need to tell me what you protag wants - presumably to save the son of the president, whose kidnapping could start a world war (there's your stakes). After you've established that, you probably still have room to name some details that give your story intrigue - "but in order to stop the evil powerhouse Luther, protagonist must trust a ragtag group of unlikely allies, including (his worst enemy/his ex-girlfriend/a clueless CIA recruit/something interesting here. I'd pick one, and I'd pick the one who has the most emotional investment from your protag).

    Hope that helps!

  3. This sounds fun, and I think you're heading in the right direction. It is still a little jumbled IMO. My suggestion would be to lose a couple of the adjectives for the tech guru (even though it is a funny combination), and cut the bit about Luthor. Just put a period after tech guru. And then maybe put a period after "president's son dead" and end it there. Or perhaps add something like, "and stop a plan to ignite a world war" or something like that. I don't think you need the other details. Then again, only you know which details are really important. But I think if you focus on those and get rid of the rest, this will work well. Just my 2 cents of course. Good luck!

  4. I really like the concept but I found myself re-reading the first sentence a couple of times because I got lost when you were introducing all the different characters. Perhaps just clarify it a bit?

  5. I also got a bit lost with your first sentence, due to the names but also the length. I also wonder whether faction needs to be in quotes? I think your title is great and your story sounds interesting. Best of luck!

  6. I'm definitely interested. And, like the others, I share in the confusion about what exactly is going on, and who I'm supposed to root for. I think your character collection is solid, but could use a bit less description. The hiding vs. needing to be found is confusing as well. Also, how old is the president's son? Do the 'bad guys' want the son in order to get money from the president or something else? Keep're almost there! And, the title...Codename Eagle Chick - what does this have to do with what your log line is telling us?

  7. I agree with the others. There is a lot going on - some of which is necessary, and some of which is not. If you strike some character descriptions, it would leave you with a little more room to hint at why they want the son dead. And I would shorten the last line too, maybe end at " war."

    Sounds like an exciting read - you are very close! Good Luck.

  8. Thank you so much for the comments, you guys! It really helps.

    A lot of you are saying "focus on the protagonist," and that's where my problems are. My book is written Game of Thrones style with each chapter focused on a different one of my characters. They're a team, and I can't really say who the one protagonist is. That's also why I'm hesitant to cut out the "laundry list" of characters, as some of you have called it. For plot clarity's sake, though, I've rewritten the logline to focus on the president's son. If you could read through this one and let me know what you think, I'd really appreciate it:

    Caleb Gallagher is the President’s son. He’s also on the run with a Secret Service agent; a college friend who is a recently-tortured CIA recruit who can’t remember the last twenty-four hours; her overly-suave CIA associate; and a lesbian, Irish-coffee loving tech guru who’s their connection with the enigmatic intelligence powerhouse named Luthor. Together, they have to find “the faction” that wants him dead and stop their plans to profit from a potential world war.