Title: NEW AVALON
Salem, Massachusetts is encapsulated under a mystical sphere by the cities only inhabitants - witches. Renamed New Avalon, the auld ways are being followed, rituals attended, and spell casting is now the norm. New Avalon is a place of peace until Annwyn, the High Priestess, decides to open a portal into old Avalon that would unleash a dark power that has been hidden from mankind by the great wizard Myrddin. The only ones that can stop Annwyn are the twins, Eithne and Tavish, but they don’t know they are witches and their mother, Shaelin, wants to keep it that way.
Ooh interesting. I'm wondering why the twins are the only ones, but I don't think it's necessary to explain that in the log line. Nice job with this!ReplyDelete
Sounds dark and exciting! I would definitely read this. Maybe to make it a little tighter cut out the "is" words. Start it (Salem, Massachusetts - encapsulated under a mystical sphere - etc...) Great job!ReplyDelete
I read an agent's post yesterday about too many names in a query, and I think this has that problem. e.g can you just say 'an ancient and evil power' and forget the wizard? Archetypes are easier to follow, eg 'a high priestess' and can often build stronger emotional connections because of their pre-existing connotations, eg 'innocent, twin children.'ReplyDelete
Also, 'witches' already imply spell casting and rituals etc.
And as the inhabitants are of (belonging to) the city, it should be 'city's'
I'd read - nice idea.
I want to know what the high priestess gains by such a nepherious act.ReplyDelete
I like the new world created in such a familiar place. Perhaps sell the
secret of being and unknown whitch more.
I really like the premise but I think it would be more effective if you left out some of the backdrop description regarding the city of Avalon and got right to the meat. The high priestess, the twins and their mom's concern. Things like the fact that its actually Salem in the 16th century isnt needed in the logline. Just thought you could trim it a little for more punch. But I'd read on :DReplyDelete