Title: A Ripple in Time
Genre: YA - paranormal Mystery
I once heard that life was like a giant ripple. One decision, one action, could affect everything that came after it. What I did today could affect my life twenty years from now. Some people refer to this theory as the Butterfly Effect, but for me, it was about ripples; water. My life was surrounded by water, even though I lived in the landlocked state of Illinois. I dreamed about water. Feared water. And apparently built my life's philosophies around water. And I had no idea why.
I didn't see my so-called “Ripple Effect” through the actions of my dad, but my mom's entire face; the lack of spark in her eyes, her tight hair, pursed lips and newly acquired wrinkles near her temple, all proved my theory correct. My nighttime actions, my watery nightmares that forced my mom to coddle me back to sleep in the darkness, was putting a strain on everyone.
As I plodded into the sunny kitchen, my bare legs prickling from the winter cold that had set in overnight, I waved to my dad. With his back to the bay window, he simply bent down the corner of his newspaper to peek at me. A raise of his eyebrows was the best I got, and I was content. I didn't hear my mom come up behind me, simply felt her cold hand on my hip as she maneuvered me out of the way. She forced a smile, but couldn't hide her exhaustion.
I like this, but I've heard many agents referring to 'clearing your throat with words' and I think the first paragraph does this. It's intriguing to think about fate etc but it could be stronger with an emotional connection to your speaker first. The second paragraph is nicely written , so perhaps you could start with that? It's definitely an intriguing piece, nice work : )ReplyDelete
The first thing that drew me in was YA para-mystery. Uh, cool! Also, just the title made me want to read more. I very much love your concept and the Butterfly Effect is extremely intriguing.ReplyDelete
I do agree with the above comment though. And there seemed to be a lot of "water" references. We know that will be important later on, but at this stage the reader doesn't need to be reminded quite so much of it yet...just hinted at.
Just a grammar thing I've gotten dinged on...too many semi-colons (use sparingly).
Overall great job! I wanted to read on.
I like this, its intriguing. However...its not pulling me in the way it should.ReplyDelete
The Butterfly Effect, the water references...all important to the story but I think you're beginning needs to start elsewhere. Something needs to pull the reader in. Working with what you have here I would start with the last paragraph then weave the other parts in. For example....
I plodded into the sunny kitchen, my bare legs prickling from the winter cold that had set in overnight. I waved at my father who sat with his back to the bay window. He bent down the corner of his newspaper and peered over. A raise of his eyebrows was the best I got, and I was content. I didn't hear my mom come up behind me, simply felt her cold hand on my hip as she maneuvered me out of the way. She forced a smile, but couldn't hide her exhaustion. This was my fault.
Life is like a giant ripple, or so I heard. One decision, one action, can affect everything that comes after it. What I did today could affect my life twenty years from now. People refer to it as the Butterfly Effect. For me, it was about ripples, water to be exact. Even though I lived in the landlocked state of Illinois, my life was surrounded by this liquid substance. I dreamed about water. Feared it. I even built my life's philosophies around it. Why?
I could see my so-called, “Ripple Effect in my dad’s gruff demeanor - I could live with, but the heaviest of ripples were on my mom's entire face; the lack of spark in her eyes, her tight hair, pursed lips, and newly acquired wrinkles near her temple, all proved my theory correct. This hurt. My nighttime actions, the watery nightmares that forced my mom to coddle me back to sleep in the darkness, was putting a severe strain on everyone.
I'm just giving my perception of this. I really love the premise and would love to see where you take this.
I'm confused? Why is his/her life surrounded by water if they live on land? How do you build your life’s philosophies around water? what does that mean? I would think if one was building their life’s philosophy around water, they would know why. What theory is he/she referring to? This unknown theory slows me down as the reader, confuses me? What are her/his nighttime actions? Drowning? What do you mean by watery nightmares? How old is he/she? I’m not sure what the story is about? I’m not grasping the water concept? Need the main character’s name. So far… the mother’s caring and tired. The father lacks a connection with his child. The child can’t sleep because he/she has nightmares about water. Connect me to the conflict - tell me why he/she is afraid of water. Help me understand. I believe that piece of information will be helpful over his/her relationship with his/her parents at this point. Just my opinion. I think with further explanation, your story will intrigue the reader to keep going. Love the "Ripple Effect".ReplyDelete