TITLE: Extraction
GENRE: YA sci-fi
At age sixteen, Clementine is one of fourteen children picked to escape the dangerous slums of the planet Surface, where kids are killed off at twenty. Down there, Clementine doesn't have to be afraid—not of hunger, officials, or the moon's poison. But when she finds out the boy she had to leave behind is in more danger than she ever imagined, she doesn't care about fear anymore. She must find a way to return for him and save him before the planet leaders take something she can't afford to lose: her freedom of mind.
I really like this premise and I think the logline is almost there however I'm a tad confused.
ReplyDeleteWhere is "down there"? Is the boy she left behind 20 or almost 20? Are all the ages necessary?
I think a little bit of tweaking here and there might help. I'm not sure if my rewrite is any better but...hope it helps. Would love to re-read your logline after you've tweaked it some. Please post.
Plain and simple, at age twenty you're killed on the planet Surface. Clementine is thankful that she is one of the lucky ones picked to escape the awful slums of Surface, now she doesn't have to be afraid - not of hunger, officials, or the moon's poison. When she learns the boy she had to leave behind is in grave danger, fear is not an option. Clementine must go back and save him before the planet leaders take something she can't afford to lose: her freedom of mind.
Premise rocks! Like S.A.Hussey said, just needs a wee bit of tweaking, but am definitely intrigued. Love the title!
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued and would definitely read on, but I was also confused about 'down there'. Also, for the sake of tightening you could cut 'doesn't care about fear anymore' and move straight on to her action, because that will imply the words you've cut.
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