TITLE: MADE OF STEEL
GENRE: Science Fiction Romance
The only reason I understand words prefixed with “nano” is because of my Chemistry class last semester. My professor spent four hours lecturing on electromagnetic radiation and how we measure the length of its wave in nanometers. In other words, very small increments. Like, to-the-negative-tenth-power small, or one-billionth of a millimeter. What have you. Irregardless, it’s hard to comprehend things that can’t even be seen in a chem lab microscope.
Using nano-speak, Tom is explaining the details of a disease that is causing a rift in our relationship as I resurface from a drug-induced slumber. Obviously this confession comes as a result of someone trying to kill me, but the intoxicant has made cerebral thinking near impossible. Instead my thoughts are consumed with how nonsensical it is that Tom, of all people, knows the details of nanotechnology.
He cringes every time I blink, and it seems that his abundant physical strength runs as rampant as his sympathy. Which is sweet; don’t get me wrong. We have never discussed Chemistry though. Unless it has to do with the way we are physically drawn to each other like magnets, but certainly never in a context that directly involves his manliness. Rather, his man-likeness, and more specifically concerning his genus and species. That is, if he isn’t a Homo Sapien. The answer to that question will take this relationship to a whole new level, either way.
I think I will like this book, but this page is a bit disjointed. The first paragraph seems like the main character's musings.. OKReplyDelete
Then the second paragraph jumps from an explanation of a disease (which is hard to understand how it affects a relationship unless that relationship is not interpersonal?) and then jumps to a confession? Then we jump to the main character's appreciation of Tom (ok good.. romance). But it doesnt seem to flow for me. Maybe im missing something.
BTW Homo sapiens should not both be capitalized, only the genus. of course the last sentence leads me to want to read more. I wish I could be more helpful with the critique. I would love to see the rewrite to get a better handle on the story.
As mentioned above I'm pretty confused by this, but I love that second paragraph and the voice of the whole piece. I'm not a sci-fi person at all but the characterization here completely gets me over the line. With a bit of tweaking so it flows more logically, this seems unique enough to do really well. Great work!ReplyDelete
First thing that drew me in was the title. Nice! I watch a lot of syfy, but don't read as much of it. However, this page kept my attention.ReplyDelete
For me the opening sentence didn't draw me in as much as I would've hoped. Since it's romance, maybe start with a different sentence...for example, "He cringes every time I blink, and it seems that his abundant physical strength runs as rampant as his sympathy." That is the stuff of awesome!
The second paragraph can be tightened. ie: "is causing" change to "causes."
Overall, good job! I would keep reading.
I didn't get a sense of who the main character is--male or female? I know this is romance, but in todays world we can't assume that means girl/boy. The second paragraph starts with Tom, (What does using nano speak mean?). I have no idea what their relationship is--friend/professor. Someone trying to kill (what is the main character's name?) is intriguing. I need to know why someone would want to kill the main character, so that I'm invested as a reader. The more I read, the more confused I get. Simplify and I think that will make a difference. I agree with Rowanwolf and would LOVE to read the rewrite.ReplyDelete