tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post9032382522250431744..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: January Logline #3K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-26743300555446341482012-01-14T18:24:20.822-05:002012-01-14T18:24:20.822-05:00I really like the premise but I think it would be ...I really like the premise but I think it would be more effective if you left out some of the backdrop description regarding the city of Avalon and got right to the meat. The high priestess, the twins and their mom's concern. Things like the fact that its actually Salem in the 16th century isnt needed in the logline. Just thought you could trim it a little for more punch. But I'd read on :DStacy Bennetthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13725893049379422490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-5257681031761982032012-01-13T10:37:27.441-05:002012-01-13T10:37:27.441-05:00I want to know what the high priestess gains by su...I want to know what the high priestess gains by such a nepherious act. <br />I like the new world created in such a familiar place. Perhaps sell the <br />secret of being and unknown whitch more.Emilhttp://www.symkshow.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-34466463210140283572012-01-13T08:07:52.743-05:002012-01-13T08:07:52.743-05:00I read an agent's post yesterday about too man...I read an agent's post yesterday about too many names in a query, and I think this has that problem. e.g can you just say 'an ancient and evil power' and forget the wizard? Archetypes are easier to follow, eg 'a high priestess' and can often build stronger emotional connections because of their pre-existing connotations, eg 'innocent, twin children.' <br />Also, 'witches' already imply spell casting and rituals etc.<br />And as the inhabitants are of (belonging to) the city, it should be 'city's'<br />I'd read - nice idea.katherineamabelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05886046787026184461noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-16565244660956773862012-01-13T05:51:19.491-05:002012-01-13T05:51:19.491-05:00Sounds dark and exciting! I would definitely read ...Sounds dark and exciting! I would definitely read this. Maybe to make it a little tighter cut out the "is" words. Start it (Salem, Massachusetts - encapsulated under a mystical sphere - etc...) Great job!karen Y. bynumhttps://twitter.com/#!/karenYbynumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-6102133767402090862012-01-12T22:23:11.571-05:002012-01-12T22:23:11.571-05:00Ooh interesting. I'm wondering why the twins a...Ooh interesting. I'm wondering why the twins are the only ones, but I don't think it's necessary to explain that in the log line. Nice job with this!Stephanie Diazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10606180983300679986noreply@blogger.com