GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
When seventeen-year-old Alexa discovers only she can generate power needed to sustain a race, her future in a war over mankind between two paranormal species is revealed and her choice to love a mysterious Sentinel over a dangerous Vanquisher unknowingly determined which side she'll fight for. She alone could end the war, but doing so has devastating consequences, ones the opposing side will do anything for--putting Alexa's life and the fate of humanity at risk.
This sounds interesting, but I think you could make this tighter and more specific by replacing "devastating consequences" with an example of what could actually happen. An example of a re-write:ReplyDelete
When seventeen-year-old Alexa discovers she generates the power needed to sustain a race, she finds herself locked in a battle over mankind between two paranormal species. With her side in the war already determined by her love for a mysterious Sentinel, Alexa knows she alone can end the chaos, but...[insert specific devastating consequences.]
Just some thoughts to consider :)
I agree (again) with Stephanie. A few tweaks to make it tighter, as that first sentence had a lot of info in it.ReplyDelete
I think Steph's re-write makes it more concise. Good Luck with this story it sounds great!
Premise sounds great! I agree with the other comments though, just needs a little tweaking. Maybe end it with a stronger hook...seems like the fate of the world is on Alexa's shoulders. So be a little more specific with the horrible thing that could happen if she fails. "At risk" sounds too light for me. Keep at it! Almost there! :)ReplyDelete
Sounds like a good idea, but I agree it needs tweaking. You've got a change in tense, from present (discovers) to past (determined) and lots of vague phrases which, if replaced with snippets of plot, could really make this sing.ReplyDelete
Intriguing idea, I liked it. I agree the first paragraph was a bit heavy in extra details that might be better added in a later sentence. I'd love to read your rewrite on it. I've been advised myself to limit names (of places and people) as well. But its a good start.ReplyDelete