TITLE: Flash
GENRE: YA Paranormal
LOGLINE: 17-year-old Benjamin harbors a curse: he’s a liaison between this world and the next, and in exchange, he gets a glimpse of someone whose number has expired. He’s only saved one life with his “gift”. But when the image of a girl he’s grown close to flashes into his head, he’s hell bent on saving her life, even if the odds are against them both.
FIRST 250:
LOGLINE: 17-year-old Benjamin harbors a curse: he’s a liaison between this world and the next, and in exchange, he gets a glimpse of someone whose number has expired. He’s only saved one life with his “gift”. But when the image of a girl he’s grown close to flashes into his head, he’s hell bent on saving her life, even if the odds are against them both.
FIRST 250:
Benjamin strolled into Taylor Woods nursing home knowing somebody was going to die. Popping an orange Tic Tac into his mouth, he nodded at the secretary and headed off towards the East wing. He didn’t need a guest pass. She knew who he was, and based on the raise of a single eyebrow, she was curious as to whose room he was headed to. He peeked back at her, curious if she was watching to see which room he walked into. She was.
“Howdy Ms. Gail,” Benjamin crooned as he walked through the door at the very end of the hallway. In this wing, lunch was served on trays as all residents were no longer able to make it to the cafeteria. The floral and disinfectant smell of the nursing home was so strong, that he couldn’t make out the menu.
Ms. Gail wasn’t speaking. He blew out the breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. Had he expected her to stand up and dance at his arrival? Nobody did that, even if they didn’t know about his gift. Or curse, depending on the day.
Saying Ms. Gail was pale would be an understatement. As Benjamin approached her bedside, his own pale skin looked tan in comparison. Her breaths her shallow, so he knew she was still with him. And even though her eyes were closed, he knew she’d awaken any second.
“Ms. Gail,” he sang as he swept her grey bangs off her forehead, “wakey, wakey.”
I like your logline a lot. I think it conveys character and conflict quite well. And your opening is very engaging. I like the hints that something is going to happen.
ReplyDeleteMinor edit:
I don't think you need this sentence because the next one shows the same thing:
>and based on the raise of a single eyebrow, she was curious as to whose room he was headed to.
Good luck!
Logline: He's "the" liaison or "a" liaison? Doesn't make that much of a difference, but it'd be nice to know if he was the only one. Also, I think you can cut "life" and leave it at "hell bent on saving her". Besides that, your logline is clear and I get a good feel for it.
ReplyDeleteFirst 250: Shouldn't it be "Taylor Woods Nursing Home" as the entire thing is a title?
This ("She knew who he was, and based on the raise of a single eyebrow, she was curious as to whose room he was headed to. He peeked back at her, curious if she was watching to see which room he walked into. She was.") is saying the same thing twice.
I originally thought Ms Gail was the secretary.
Ms Gail wasn't speaking because she's unconscious, not because of him. I thought she was awake until near the end.
Her breaths "were" shallow, not "her" shallow.
I like where this is going. My only concern is this: in the logline, you say curse. But Benny seems pretty cheery doing his job in the first 250.
I like the consequences laid out in your logline and I’m interested in reading the story, so you did a great job with it.
ReplyDeleteDitto to Tiff: Caps for Nursing Home. Patchi and Tiff have already brought up the repeat in the first paragraph. I like the ‘raised eyebrow’ one better if you’re undecided.
“that he couldn’t make out the menu” – I don’t think you need the “that”
I like this and would read more!
Hi!
ReplyDeleteThe other posters liked your logline, but I had a question--does he only get to save one life? What's stopping him from saving the girl he'd grown close to? I'm not sure if my questions point to a possible problem in your logline or if I'm just curious and want to know more.
I also wanted a bit more than "grown close to." Does he love her? Is he attracted to her? He's 17, so I'm guessing that he likes her. I bring this up because I wonder if you could raise the stakes here--if he loves her that would make him really want to save her.
The others noted the proper noun problem and the repeat, so I'll leave that off.
I didn't think you needed the word "very." She's at the end of the hall. Why does it have to be the very end?
I also didn't like the "as" in the sentence about how the residents couldn't make it to the cafeteria any longer. I thought a simple "because" or breaking it up into two sentences would sound better.
Also, I found your constant use of negative constructions in the third paragraph tough. I wondered if you could change one of them to a positive. e.g. Nobody did that, even if they knew about his gift.
I liked that he seemed cheery about his job because I thought it showed a kind of implicit character arch--he's going to realize that this gift is a curse when he can see that the girl he loves (Yup. I brought it there.) is going to die.
I hope this helps. I like your set up and idea. Good luck with it!
Logline:
ReplyDeleteJust my opinion, but I'd shorten it to this:
17-year-old Benjamin harbors a curse: he’s a liaison between this world and the next.He’s only saved one life with his “gift." but when the image of a girl he’s grown close to flashes into his head, he’s hell bent on saving her, even if the odds are against them both.
I think we can infer that he can 'see' things on both sides because of this gift, and that extra tell is unnecessary.
First page:
Great start. I agree with the others on the repetition in the 5th and 6th sentences. Maybe like this?
She knew who he was, and based on the raise of a single eyebrow, she was curious.. He peeked back, curious if she was watching to see which room he walked into. She was.
You also use the word 'that' a lot. In most cases, it can be removed without changing the meaning at all.
The smell was so strong, he couldn't make out the menu.
Nobody did, even if they didn't know about his gift.
This is a great premise, and solid writing. Good luck with it!