Friday, September 27, 2013

Prep Work Round 2 #3

GENRE: New adult Historical Fantasy
Logline: After destroying a mortal’s destiny, modern goddess Pandia is sentenced by Zeus to community service in Pompeii. She’s to observe, and not interfere. A freak mishap enslaves her to the local amphitheater where she winds up in center ring clutching a sword, a swarthy gladiator by her side. Pandia will have to show she values others fast to escape Pompeii, because the gladiator’s proving tempting, and Vesuvius is rumbling.  
First 250:
If I hadn’t gone to a party with Aphrodite, I wouldn’t have flirted with Julius Caesar or pissed off Cleopatra.  Cleo wouldn’t have complained to Hera, my step-mother.   And I wouldn’t be in deep shit. 
“Pandia. Daughter.” Zeus’ voice echoed in the Great Hall, halting the conversation around us.  Gods were a chatty group. The abrupt silence made the place resemble a morgue.
“Do you know why I’ve called you before me today?” he asked.
“Ummm, no.” I toed the ornate pattern on a marble tile under my sandal and avoided his eyes.
“You’ve done it again.” He sighed like a planet lay on his shoulders. “When will you realize you can’t flit through time and indulge yourself with whomever you please?”
I peeked at him through my lashes.  No sparkle in his eyes, or big grin to indicate teasing. 
“I was bored.” The words rushed out. “There’s nothing to do here except watch sprites bathe in the fountains and centaurs challenge each other to duels.  Aphrodite and I wanted to have fun.”
“You’re twenty.  A goddess.  You should do what the other young goddesses your age do: perfect your vocation.”
“My vocation is asinine.” I scowled at him.  “Goddess of Light. What in Hades does it mean?  Apollo has the sun and lightening wrapped up.  The stars belong to Astraeus.  What’s left for me? Nothing, I tell you. I’m not even the Goddess of the Light Bulb.”
“Your light is a spiritual thing. You bring light to my life, and those around you.”


  1. I think you have too many details in the logline. How about:

    After destroying a mortal’s destiny, [the] goddess Pandia is sentenced by Zeus to community service in Pompeii. [] A freak mishap enslaves her to the local amphitheater where she winds up in [the] center ring[], a swarthy gladiator by her side. [To escape Pompeii,] Pandia will have to show she values [mortals?], because the gladiator’s proving tempting[] and Vesuvius is rumbling.

    I love your opening paragraph and the rest of the first page. I think you did a great job capturing Pandia's character.

    Best of luck!

  2. Patchi, you are great at editing loglines. Again, I agree with your changes.

    Love your first 250. Cut the "the" in front of the light-bulb line. It halts the flow and you need it for the joke. Also, cut the "I tell you". Leave it at "Nothing".

  3. Oh, I probably should have been more specific. Cut the first "the" and make "I'm not even Goddess of the Light Bulb."

  4. Thank you both so much; this is my first time showing off Pandia (although I'm still meh on the title).

  5. Logline:

    I am not great at loglines, so please take this with a grain of salt, but I'd suggest a few specific details for clarity.

    "After destroying a mortal's destiny by . . ., Pandia is sentenced to community service in Pompeii. But a freak mishap ( and here I'd like to know what kind of mishap) lands her in the center ring of the local ampitheater with a sweaty gladiator at her side. She'll have to (this next part reads awkward and I'm not sure what she actually needs to accomplish. Save the world? Rescue a mortal? Fight the gladiator?) to escape Pompeii, because the gladiator is proving tempting and Vesuvius is rumbling.

    Again, just my own two cents.

    I don't have a lot of suggestions for the first page - I think you start off with a great 1st line and the voice is pretty clear here. I'd suggest switching "resemble" in the second paragraph for a different work. I don't think the Great Hall actually looks like a morgue, and that's what it made me think of.

    Nice job. Good luck with it!

  6. Great dialogue, great 250.Well done.

    I was ok-ay with the logline until people started picking and now I see how it could be clearer. I'd cut the first three words because it automatically makes you think fantasy and these terms are bandied around all the time but don't have much meaning - to me anyway.

    But 'modern goddess' is good and I sat up immediately with 'community service' which is where I got that it's going to be funny. The next sentence is great. For the following how about 'But one freak mishap and she's in the amphitheatre...a swarthy gladiator by her side and trouble brewing on the very near horizon.." Or something like that.I don't think it's necessary to go into what the freak mishap is.

    The "shows she values others' is not clear. After I read the 250 I think it might mean that she has to get serious with her vocation and not meddle around with mortals' destinies. You might need to get quite definite here and say she needs to stop being a ...."selfish, partying.."...whatever it might be.

    And last but not least I think you may need to top off the last line with why it's bad there's a cute gladiator etc and why she needs to get out of Pompeii.Or..... wait a minute .....Is it because the gladiator is human and goddesses can't mix with them? Duh.

    All the talk of Pompeii and gods made me think we were in a godly hemisphere, not a human one. Just came to me now. It might help to say at the beginning that she is sentenced to' human community service.' Don't know if anyone else got mixed up???

  7. Great suggestions, everyone! Thank you so much.