TITLE: Attie and The Monster Book
GENRE: Middle Grade- Magical Realism
LOGLINE: After 12 yo Attie Cohen receives a book about monsters in the mail, life takes a turn for the dangerous. Her siblings can suddenly morph into deadly, supernatural beasts. But emotions (rather than desire) provoke their transformations—and with the Cohen parents heading for a divorce, emotions are in no short order. Attie must #1. try not to die. #2. help her siblings stay human, and #3. figure out the mystery of The Monster Book.
The day I first saw my sister morph into something not human, my parents were arguing, shouting their heads off at each other as loud as they could.
When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I made a noise like UUUGGGGHHH, covered my ears with my hands, and stomped out of the house. Made a beeline for the front door and marched right out.
Nobody tried to stop me. In fact, no one even noticed me go. So I did what any kid would do. I headed straight for the ravine.
I’ll be honest with you. I’m not allowed there. Mom says it’s dangerous. But you know moms. They always think things are worse than they are. So I booked it over there and started down the steep slope. But I’m smart; I knew I’d better take my time if I wanted to make it all the way to the bottom.
I never got there.
I was bracing myself with little trees and vines, watching my feet the whole time, when something hissed, “Get out of here, Attttttttiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee.”
I stopped. Wondered if I was hearing things. Looked around.
Then I saw it--her--Gracie. My sister. She wasn't far away from me--just a little farther down the slope--and she was hugging a tree, gripping it with her arms and legs. She wasn’t facing me, but I could still see her well enough to know she was my sister. But trust me when I say this... Gracie didn’t look like herself.
I think if you cut the vague bits, your logline will work better:ReplyDelete
After 12 yo Attie Cohen receives a book about monsters in the mail, her siblings [learn to] morph into deadly, supernatural beasts. But emotions (rather than desire) provoke their transformations—and with the Cohen parents heading for a divorce, emotions are in no short order. Attie must #1. try not to die. #2. help her siblings stay human, and #3. figure out the mystery of The Monster Book.
I think you have a great first sentence, I would just take out [arguing,]. I don't think the question after it is a good bridge into the scene. I think you might be better off with something like: It all started when I couldn’t stand their arguing anymore.
The rest read pretty well to me.
The logline seems choppy. I like Patchi's edit. Also, how about using 1) instead of 1period? I think it would look better.ReplyDelete
Your 250 read choppy to me, but that's probably just the 12yo voice speaking in incomplete sentences.
For the start, how about cut "into something not human" and leave that as a surprise? If you just said "morph", I'd want to know more instantly.
Logline: I'd cut (rather than desire). It never occurred to me that desire might be a factor, so I think it's unnecessary. I'd also lose the numbers. Maybe, "Attie must stay alive, help her siblings stay human, and figure out the mystery of the Monster Book before . . . (I think you need some specific stakes here. What will happen to them otherwise?)ReplyDelete
Your first page is good. The 'what's new?' after the first line seemed a little out of place. I'm not sure if it's meant to be a new paragraph, or if that is just weird formatting from a cut/paste function, but I think it needs to immediately follow the first line. I'd even suggest changing it. It almost reads like the morphing is nothing new, and I'm assuming you mean the fighting.
The last line could be stronger - Gracie didn't look human, Gracie looked like . . . I wanted more details here. I'm assuming more are coming, but 'didn't look like herself' was vague, especially because we don't know what she's supposed to look like normally.
That's all I've got. Best of luck with this!