Friday, September 27, 2013

Prep Work Round 2 #1


TITLE:  The Spell of the Black Magic Key
GENRE: Upper Middle Grade Fantasy


LOGLINE: The Rickety Old Hag has resurrected The Spell of the Black Magic Key, having the power now to release the evil ones from the bowels of the earth to wreak havoc on mankind. If the powers of the key aren’t stopped, the world will remain in darkness. All that is sacred and kind will find its end… vanish like the dinosaur.

 FIRST 250: 

Long, long ago,
When the world was young and new,
When I believed in fairy tales
And all our dreams came true.

When I believed in magic
And all its fancy fair…
When I was young and giddy
Without a woe or care.

I remember quite clearly
What happened that day
As I ran from my house
And just wanted to play.

 It was a dare from the older kids
On the block,
To go to that old house
And on the door I must knock.

I was scared and frightened
For what did I know?
But to that old house
I just had to go!

 I walked as if mesmerized,
Caught in a trance!
Caught in a spell
Of a witch’s dance!

I walked up the path
Through the black gates with rust,
Then past the bushes
Covered with dust!

My feet just kept moving
As if they didn’t care,
And all that I kept thinking was
… about that stupid dare!

I walked with my silence
And thoughts of what would be!
Thoughts of scary creatures
That would try to capture me!

I felt a chill upon my spine
As the rain did just begin.
Then I knocked upon the door
 And she said, “Oh do come in!”

The clouds began to darken
And the rain began to pour
As I stepped inside the house
And shut the old, old door!

4 comments:

  1. I thought this was a fun read. I have some editing comments:

    LOGLINE: The Rickety Old Hag [] resurrected The Spell of the Black Magic Key [and now has] the power []to release the evil ones from the bowels of the earth to wreak havoc on mankind. If the powers of the key aren’t stopped, the world will remain in darkness. All that is sacred and kind will [] vanish[...] like the dinosaur[s].

    I had trouble with some of the verses; they didn't flow well for me. Here are some suggestions, but I'm sure you can come up with better ones.

    [A] dare from the [big] kids
    [Who lived on my] block,
    [Go] to that old house
    And on the door [] knock.


    My feet just kept moving
    As if they didn’t care,
    And all []I kept thinking []
    [was] that stupid dare!


    I walked [in] silence
    [Thinking] of what would be!
    Thoughts of scary creatures
    That would try to capture me!


    I felt a chill [up] my spine
    [When] the rain did just begin.
    Then I knocked upon the door
    And she said, “Oh do come in!”

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi.
    I had a few questions about your logline. You say the Old Hag releases the evil ones and they will wreak havoc on mankind. Then you say that the world will remain in darkness. So I'm a bit confused. Did the evil ones make the sun disappear? Are we talking about real darkness or metaphorical darkness? What kind of havoc are they wreaking? Why and how will all that is sacred and kind vanish? I'm totally intrigued by the set up. Witches and keys and evil spells are totally my thing, so I want to know more.
    With that said, I thought there was a major problem in the logline. You don't mention a protagonist. Sure, you have the conflict and the stakes noted, but I don't know who is going to try to stop this Old Hag. Who is your main character? What is his or her name? How old is he or she? Can you tell me something about him or her?
    I was really interested when I first saw that this work was done in verse. When I read it and realized that it would all rhyme, I was less interested. Are upper middle grade readers going to have the patience for couplets? I'm not sure. I agree with you that the subject matter is geared for them, and I really like the idea of the work done in an interesting format (poetry) but the rhyme turned me off immediately.
    I know that's a horrible comment to make... but I guess as a writer I'd want to know.
    On the other hand, I'm totally new at this writing thing, so I'm no voice of authority. Take it with a grain of salt and check with other people before you take a comment like that to heart.
    I wish you the best!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I, too, have a hard time commenting as I've read few books in rhyme.

    My main concern is the exclamation points. They seem to be thrown in randomly or at the end of each verse, but don't often relate to what's being said. By the end I found them irritating.

    The voice and lilting tone is MG, but some of the word choices sound old, which may be your intent. I wonder, however, how many kids will stick it out after giddy and woe.

    Best of luck with it!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Logline: I felt like this was very vague. I want to know what specifically the Spell of the Black Key is, and who the Old Hag is. The fact that they are capitalized makes me think I should know, but I don't. Who is the old hag, why is she a threat, what specifically will happen to our protagonist if he/she doesn't stop her?

    First 250:
    Like Maura, I also had difficulty with the rhyming. I'm wondering if the entire novel is going to be in verse and if MG readers will stay with you for an entire rhyming novel.

    As far as a hook, I don't feel like much is happening, and the sing-song tone downplays any real discomfort for the reader. I'd love to feel a sense of foreboding here as the protagonist (whom we don't yet know anything about) ventures into the old house, but I just can't. The language is almost cute in places, and some of the couplets read like picture book text.

    These are just my own thoughts, of course, so use them as you will. The fact that you are willing to put your work out there for critique shows that you are dedicated, and I wish you luck with your story!

    ReplyDelete