Friday, September 27, 2013

Prep Work Round 2 #8

GENRE: Young adult Speculative Fiction
LOGLINE: While crossing a wasteland to reach the safety of the colony, Lia’s little brother, Joe, is injured and lies dying.  Someone tells Lia about a planetary myth: the desert dragons bestow unlimited power on those who need it most.  But to earn the power to heal Joe, Lia must sacrifice her heart to the dragon forever.
FIRST 250:
Our space ships perched on the runway like raptors, eager to devour us whole.
Tipping my head back, I savored my last rays of Earth sunshine.
Within an hour, I’d be trapped me inside a stasis pod, blasting across the galaxy to a planet called Stellar 3. Chemicals searing my veins. Suffocating gasses swirling around my face. Chillers morphing me into a space-icle. 
“You have your toothbrush?” Auntie asked.
Startled, I blinked at her for a moment.  Pointing to the bag at my feet, I glanced at my wrist com.  11:40.  Twenty minutes until they called our names. 
“I wish you didn’t have to go,” Auntie said. “I’d find a way to take care of you and Joe.”
My brother tugged her shirt. “I can take care of myself.”
She gave him a long look.
Joe puffed his chest. “I can take care of myself. I’m almost nine. A man.”
My lips twitched. I hoped he’d grow tall in our new world, like a transplanted tree.  I ruffled his hair, making the auburn strands stick up everywhere.
He swatted my hand. “Lia!”
I struggled to hold back a grin. Maybe a thorn tree.
“What’s this?” Auntie plucked a mouse from inside his shirt by the tail.  Willy squeaked as he joined the jumbled contents of her purse.  “I told you I’d take care of your pets.”
“Can’t I take a little one?” Joe pleaded. In an instant, the man fled, replaced by the lost boy who’d crawled into my bed every night since our parents had left.


  1. Your logline has a beauty and the beast feel to it, which I loved. My only suggestion would be to say "is mortally injured" instead of "is injured and lies dying."

    I like how you set up the scene and their intended voyage. You also did a good job with the three characters.

    Some minor notes on the first page:

    Spaceship is one word.

    Is the "me" here on purpose? I would delete it.
    > I’d be trapped me inside a stasis pod

  2. I agree with Patchi: "mortally injured" works a lot better. I would also suggest changing "heart" to "soul". Heart makes this sound like a romance (ex. Beauty and the Beast). Unless you've re-written your manuscript, I know this isn't the case.

    I love your first 250!