Friday, September 27, 2013

Prep Work Round 2 #5


Title: SHATTERED
Genre: NA Fantasy
 
LOGLINE: Dawn can’t steal bubble gum, much less a powerful charm capable of releasing an imprisoned succubus.  But to save her sisters from becoming demon chow, Dawn will do anything, even steal the charm from its steamy guardian, Kalan.  But Kalan has his own agenda, and catching and seducing the charm-stealing Dawn is the first step in his plan.
 
FIRST 250:

Don’t look, Dawn. You know what happens when you look.
 
I looked up. It was inevitable. When you tell yourself not to do something, you usually do the exact opposite.
 
Crap.
 
The park vendors swarmed me like a pack of rabid dogs. Their voices tore into me, snarling off sales pitches. I gave them the same answer.
 
“A beautiful necklace for a beautiful—”
 
“No.”
 
“Would you like a subscription to The Vigrith—?”
 
“No.”
 
“Mini glow-in-the-dark helicopters for sale! Buy ‘em by the dozen.”
 
“What? No. What the hell would I do with glowing helicopters?”
 
I didn’t wait for a reply. I walked as fast as I could without drawing attention. Luckily for me, their tiny carts were only set up at one entrance to the park. Turning into a large clearing, I glanced around for Cassie before settling at an empty picnic table.
 
Unfortunately, I didn’t find one in the shade. The heat was bearable, but the sun that had me worried. Ultraviolet rays plus white girl equaled a sunburn no amount of aloe vera could soothe. Hey, at least I had a gorgeous view...
 
Who was I kidding?
 
One half of the park had a dried-up garden with a statue of the plump Lady Fredericton; the other side had a few trees, twice as many picnic tables and a pathetically empty sand pit. Small boutiques lined the square, all with limited choice. For a girl who’d lived in cities her entire life—
 
Power washed over me, stopping my internal chit-chat and, for a second, my heart.
                        

5 comments:

  1. I think the logline sounds a bit repetitive. How about:

    Dawn can’t steal bubble gum[, but to save her sisters from becoming demon chow, she will even steal a powerful charm capable of releasing an imprisoned succubus] from its steamy guardian, Kalan. But Kalan has his own agenda, and [] seducing the charm-stealing Dawn is the first step in his plan.

    I like your opening, but I was a bit confused with the dialogue with the vendors. This is how I would do it:

    The park vendors swarmed [around] me like a pack of rabid dogs[], snarling off sales pitches.

    “A beautiful necklace for a beautiful—”

    [“Would you like a subscription to The Vigrith—?”

    “Mini glow-in-the-dark helicopters for sale! Buy ‘em by the dozen.”

    I gave them the same answer. “No." What the hell would I do with glowing helicopters anyway?]

    I walked as fast as I could. Luckily for me, their tiny carts were only set up at one entrance to the park.
    ...

    Hopefully that will get you into the paragraph where the last sentence will make more sense. I'm assuming something important is about to happen.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well, I can't add much here. But I did find a typo (I did the same thing in mine!):

    but the sun that had me - I think you need "but it was the sun that had"

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't have a lot to add here. Love the logline - it already reads very polished. Nice job. This is totally nitpicky, but when I read the line about the helicopters, what popped into my mind was why would she want a dozen?

    The very last line, 'power washed over me' - power seemed an odd choice and I wasn't sure what it meant. I was with you until that sentence, and then I was pulled out, because i couldn't picture it. What kind of power? What does it feel like?

    This is great, good luck with it!

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  4. I don't actually have anything to critique. I'm sorry. I think the logline is tight and I love the bit of humor. The MC's voice comes out clear and strong and I like it a lot. Your novel sounds like something I'd like to read.:) Good luck!

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  5. I actually didn't care for the logline:-(
    I had to read it 3 times to get what the author was trying to say. Suggestion:
    To save her sister from becoming demon chow, Dawn had to steal a powerful charm capable of releasing an imprisoned succubus. Problem was, Dawn wasn't capable of stealing anything, not even bubble gum. This meant she would have to steal the charm from its steamy guardian, Kalan. But Kalan has his own agenda, and catching and seducing the charm-stealing Dawn is the first step in his plan.

    I think the story could be tightened to be more deep POV, I like Patchi's suggestion regarding the vendors. Also, need to fix the typo Martha pointed out.

    I like the premise. I don't think it needs much work, but some. Good job.

    ReplyDelete