GENRE: Women’s Fiction
LOGLINE: With a pipeline underway to drain the Flaming Gorge, Violet Wesley has one summer left on the Colorado River before her rafting business runs dry. She calls on the love of her life for help, but when he arrives with a fiancée in tow she knows she has to conquer her Avoidant Personality Disorder, stand up to her imaginary friends, or risk losing everything she holds dear.
The Colorado River was, at times, angry and loud, obstinate and pushy, unpredictable and exciting; all the things that Violet Wesley was not. Still, she was a part of this place; as intractable as the trees that dug roots deep into the soil. Her hair was the color of the earth, her eyes the color of the river as it frothed and churned, her skin reddened and freckled from years of exposure, like the rocks in the cliffs above the water.
But Violet would say that was beautiful in nature didn’t count for much in people. Or rather, she’d think it. Vi rarely spoke out loud, and never of her innermost thoughts unless she was alone. And even then she found the sound of her own voice startling, as if running into a throaty acquaintance whose appearance left her feeling faintly shamed.
Now, she clutched her mug of tea and turned her face to the sun. How many others before her had stood in this very spot and prayed for a safe journey? The faint roar of the rapids downriver to her right and the steady hum of mosquitoes were the soundtrack to her life, and she took comfort in them. These were the things she knew, the unchangeable foundation on which of her life had been built. The river rushed on, mosquitoes fed, and she was a coward.
She opened her eyes and set her shoulders. By the end of this summer, one of those things would no longer be true.
I love your logline, especially the standing up to imaginary friends.ReplyDelete
I like how you associated Violet's physical description to the scenery, but I think it would work better if you describe the scenery and compare it to Violet. Like: The earth was the color of her hair...
My only concern is that the narration is feeling detached, especially in the second paragraph, as if someone else is telling the story. But maybe that's what you're going for.
Your logline works well for me and I can't suggest any improvements.ReplyDelete
Patchi nailed it again with her comment of your 250 overall. I felt the same as I read, detached from the MC. Her suggestion to twist the scenery comparison might help.
I love the imagery of your writing and would read more.
I liked your writing overall. I agree with Patchi and Martha--your logline is strong and I too like the idea of standing up to imaginary friends.
On the other hand, I liked the description of Violet. I think there might be one small typo. I think you meant to write: "Violet would say what was beautiful in nature didn't count..." Right now, you have an unnecessary "that" in the sentence.
I kind of disagree with the others about the detached feeling. I liked it. Your narrator is viewing (non-judgmentally) a woman who has trouble in life. I didn't think it felt too detached. I wanted to read more.
Maura beat me with the typo. Aside from that, the logline was great. Very descriptive with a clear problem the MC needs to overcome. And I love your opening sentence.:)ReplyDelete
Nice writing and v. good logline. I had to go back and think about imaginary friends though.Still not 100 percent sure what it means. You found interesting ways of describing Vi, my one reserve is that it might be about a paragraph and a half too long. I think you might be able to get the same ideas across while having her interacting with someone or getting her physically moving. Just a thought and probably a subjective one at that! Good luck with this, I liked it.ReplyDelete