tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post5580698835226278886..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Prep Work Round 2 #5K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-38858691564284965902013-10-14T12:47:46.813-04:002013-10-14T12:47:46.813-04:00I actually didn't care for the logline:-(
I h...I actually didn't care for the logline:-( <br />I had to read it 3 times to get what the author was trying to say. Suggestion:<br />To save her sister from becoming demon chow, Dawn had to steal a powerful charm capable of releasing an imprisoned succubus. Problem was, Dawn wasn't capable of stealing anything, not even bubble gum. This meant she would have to steal the charm from its steamy guardian, Kalan. But Kalan has his own agenda, and catching and seducing the charm-stealing Dawn is the first step in his plan.<br /><br />I think the story could be tightened to be more deep POV, I like Patchi's suggestion regarding the vendors. Also, need to fix the typo Martha pointed out.<br /><br />I like the premise. I don't think it needs much work, but some. Good job.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07173622618909182419noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-35200198671998366252013-09-30T15:26:59.802-04:002013-09-30T15:26:59.802-04:00I don't actually have anything to critique. I&...I don't actually have anything to critique. I'm sorry. I think the logline is tight and I love the bit of humor. The MC's voice comes out clear and strong and I like it a lot. Your novel sounds like something I'd like to read.:) Good luck!Rebeccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15525362690272102453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-7344172906543577622013-09-29T20:39:47.838-04:002013-09-29T20:39:47.838-04:00I don't have a lot to add here. Love the logli...I don't have a lot to add here. Love the logline - it already reads very polished. Nice job. This is totally nitpicky, but when I read the line about the helicopters, what popped into my mind was why would she want a dozen? <br /><br />The very last line, 'power washed over me' - power seemed an odd choice and I wasn't sure what it meant. I was with you until that sentence, and then I was pulled out, because i couldn't picture it. What kind of power? What does it feel like?<br /><br />This is great, good luck with it!Shannon S.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-58049833528217555992013-09-27T20:21:41.252-04:002013-09-27T20:21:41.252-04:00Well, I can't add much here. But I did find a...Well, I can't add much here. But I did find a typo (I did the same thing in mine!):<br /><br />but the sun that had me - I think you need "but it was the sun that had"Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16519250456239966742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-12390989896840353652013-09-27T16:14:16.632-04:002013-09-27T16:14:16.632-04:00I think the logline sounds a bit repetitive. How a...I think the logline sounds a bit repetitive. How about:<br /><br />Dawn can’t steal bubble gum[, but to save her sisters from becoming demon chow, she will even steal a powerful charm capable of releasing an imprisoned succubus] from its steamy guardian, Kalan. But Kalan has his own agenda, and [] seducing the charm-stealing Dawn is the first step in his plan.<br /><br />I like your opening, but I was a bit confused with the dialogue with the vendors. This is how I would do it:<br /><br />The park vendors swarmed [around] me like a pack of rabid dogs[], snarling off sales pitches. <br /> <br />“A beautiful necklace for a beautiful—”<br /><br />[“Would you like a subscription to The Vigrith—?”<br /> <br />“Mini glow-in-the-dark helicopters for sale! Buy ‘em by the dozen.”<br /> <br />I gave them the same answer. “No." What the hell would I do with glowing helicopters anyway?] <br /><br />I walked as fast as I could. Luckily for me, their tiny carts were only set up at one entrance to the park. <br />...<br /><br />Hopefully that will get you into the paragraph where the last sentence will make more sense. I'm assuming something important is about to happen.<br /><br />Good luck!Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.com