tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post8015884564473606318..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Prep Work Round 2 #4K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-90681633490018452452013-09-29T18:25:52.493-04:002013-09-29T18:25:52.493-04:00Logline: I'd cut (rather than desire). It neve...Logline: I'd cut (rather than desire). It never occurred to me that desire might be a factor, so I think it's unnecessary. I'd also lose the numbers. Maybe, "Attie must stay alive, help her siblings stay human, and figure out the mystery of the Monster Book before . . . (I think you need some specific stakes here. What will happen to them otherwise?)<br /><br />Your first page is good. The 'what's new?' after the first line seemed a little out of place. I'm not sure if it's meant to be a new paragraph, or if that is just weird formatting from a cut/paste function, but I think it needs to immediately follow the first line. I'd even suggest changing it. It almost reads like the morphing is nothing new, and I'm assuming you mean the fighting. <br /><br />The last line could be stronger - Gracie didn't look human, Gracie looked like . . . I wanted more details here. I'm assuming more are coming, but 'didn't look like herself' was vague, especially because we don't know what she's supposed to look like normally. <br /><br />That's all I've got. Best of luck with this!Shannon S.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-58467198198663127202013-09-27T18:25:06.207-04:002013-09-27T18:25:06.207-04:00The logline seems choppy. I like Patchi's edit...The logline seems choppy. I like Patchi's edit. Also, how about using 1) instead of 1period? I think it would look better.<br /><br />Your 250 read choppy to me, but that's probably just the 12yo voice speaking in incomplete sentences.<br /><br />For the start, how about cut "into something not human" and leave that as a surprise? If you just said "morph", I'd want to know more instantly.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-55780207536165196892013-09-27T15:57:22.509-04:002013-09-27T15:57:22.509-04:00I think if you cut the vague bits, your logline wi...I think if you cut the vague bits, your logline will work better:<br /><br />After 12 yo Attie Cohen receives a book about monsters in the mail, []her siblings [learn to] morph into deadly, supernatural beasts. But emotions (rather than desire) provoke their transformations—and with the Cohen parents heading for a divorce, emotions are in no short order. Attie must #1. try not to die. #2. help her siblings stay human, and #3. figure out the mystery of The Monster Book.<br /><br />I think you have a great first sentence, I would just take out [arguing,]. I don't think the question after it is a good bridge into the scene. I think you might be better off with something like: It all started when I couldn’t stand their arguing anymore.<br /><br />The rest read pretty well to me.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.com