TITLE: Butterfly Girl
GENRE: Upper MG First Page
“You look handsome, Grandpa,” she said, and stuck the golden-orange blossom in his button hole.
“Thank you, darlin’. He grinned and bent at the waist in a courtly bow.
Grandpa had waxed and polished the old white truck. On the side was a picture of a giant blue ribbon next to The Real McCoy Organic Acres, painted in bright green letters over a dark green shamrock. The truck bumped down the gravel road, tires churning up a cloud of dust, then turned onto the blacktop that led to the highway.
Grandpa made his way towards a table near the end of the last row. “Here’s our spot. Number ninety-seven.”
Grandpa shook his head. “Slow down, now. Don’t go running off.”
“But Grandpa, you promised when I turned twelve I could walk around on my own!”
He pressed his hand to his heart. “What? You don’t want to hang out with your old grandpa?”
“That’s not what I meant Grandpa, it’s just…”
He winked at her. “You can go around by yourself, just as soon as your friend shows up.”
This is adorable. I love the opening paragraph. It is very sensory oriented to me for some reason. Maybe alter 'on the perimeter' to sound less informative (everything else is so descriptive that this line leaves me waiting), and the 'But Grandpa' line (split it? maybe make it more 12yoish?).ReplyDelete
Thanks for sharing your beginning. I also enjoyed it. Not much to comment on as it reads well to me. The only thing that confused me is that Jade is supposedly Madison's best friend forever and yet Grandpa calls him "your friend"... seems like he'd call Jade by name.ReplyDelete
Also can you "go around by yourself" with someone else? Or is that a bit of grandpa's humor?
Thanks L.M. and Joseph. I appreciate the feedback and encouragement!ReplyDelete
Sorry for posting this late, I honestly thought I had already posted:)ReplyDelete
What a great opening! I was immediately oriented by the well detailed setting. I loved the sound of the Marigold stem snapping, and it (somehow) drew me into the story.
The voice is amazing! Sweet and caring. And I love Madison's emotional attachment to her Grandpa:)
I'm with everyone else. I enjoyed this. I feel Madison's attachment to her grandpa and could almost see grandpa's grin. Great job!ReplyDelete