Thursday, July 26, 2012

July Anything #11

TITLE: In Transition
GENRE: YA Fantasy First Page

My father was dying and there was nothing I could do to save him.
When I walked into the office, the first thing I saw was the blood.  I’d never seen so much blood before, pooling around his body rapidly on the speckle-tiled floor.  Tears streamed down my face and my heart was pounding.  I tried the phone on his desk but it was dead.  Screaming for help, I prayed someone would help us, save him in the way I couldn’t.  But my voice sounded meek against the sound of my pulse in my ears and I wasn’t sure anyone could hear my pleas.
“DAD!  What happened?!”  I cried out.    
Dad’s face was sweaty and pale, his lively green eyes dimming.  His mouth kept opening and closing in an attempt to breathe, but all he could manage were shallow breaths.  His graying-blonde hair was matted down against his skull.  There were lines around his eyes and in his forehead I had never seen before, his expression not just pained, but torn. 
“HELP!  SOMEONE PLEASE HELP US!!”  My tiny hands weren’t enough to cover the stab wounds in his chest, warm blood seeping through my fingers at an alarmingly rapid pace.  “Dad, tell me what to do!  I can’t, I can’t stop the bleeding!  I keep applying pressure but it just keeps coming!”
 “I’m sorry Kitty-Kat,” He wheezed.  “No one can save me.”
 “No!  No! NO!  You can’t die, please!  I need you, I love you, Dad, please don’t leave me!”  I put my head on his chest, sobbing. 

6 comments:

  1. I like this. It starts with the action instead of before it. I think there's an issue with voice, though
    (don't we all have that?). Sometimes it reads like a teen finding their dying father, and then some of the word choices don't flow with the previous ones. Keep in mind that everything I'm about to suggest is completely my own opinion and you don't have to take it.

    My father was dying and there was nothing I could do to save him.
    [When I walked into the office,] the first thing I saw was the blood. I’d never seen so much blood before, pooling around his body [rapidly] on the speckle-tiled floor. Tears streamed down my face and my heart was pounding. I tried the phone on his desk but it was dead. Screaming for help, I prayed someone would help us, save him in the way I couldn’t. But my voice sounded meek against the sound of my pulse in my ears and I wasn’t sure anyone could hear my pleas.
    “DAD! What happened?!” (maybe pleading him not to die instead of the exclamation? You say 'cried out' so we know they're screaming; caps aren't really needed.) I cried out.
    Dad’s face was sweaty and pale, his lively green eyes dimming. His mouth kept opening and closing in an attempt to breathe, but all he could manage were shallow breaths. His graying-blonde hair was matted down against his skull. There were lines around his eyes and in his forehead I had never seen before, his expression not just pained, but torn.
    “HELP! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP US!!” My tiny hands weren’t enough to cover the stab wounds in his chest, warm blood seeping through my fingers [at an alarmingly rapid pace]. (I'd say 'seeped through my fingers' just to keep the action more present and less passive.) “Dad, tell me what to do! I can’t, I can’t stop the bleeding! I keep applying pressure but it just keeps coming!”
    “I’m sorry Kitty-Kat,” He wheezed. “No one can save me.”
    “No! No! NO! You can’t die, please! I need you, I love you, Dad, please don’t leave me!” I put my head on his chest, sobbing.

    I put [] around things I think could be taken out. Without them, the passage reads much more active. My specific comments are in (). I think, overall, that it just needs refining. There are a lot of -ly and -ing words floating around in there. Since this is a high paced first page (yay for appropriate opening action), I think some of those words can be cut out and replaced with past tense verbs so that the actions are being preformed. It makes it faster and less passive.

    That said, I do like this as a first page. It's a good way to open up a book and introduce us to the MC and issues all at once.

    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  2. My sincerest apologies to the author of this entry; it appears I accidentally omitted the correct genre. This should be listed as YA Fantasy. I've updated the post.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Exciting start! Very visual and intense. L.M. Miller had great specific feedback.

    Make sure to stay in voice. For example, this doesn't sound like a young person speaking: But my voice sounded meek against the sound of my pulse in my ears and I wasn’t sure anyone could hear my pleas. Simplify to: My pulse pounded in my ears. We know no one can hear her from other details, no need to restate it, and she wouldn't call her own voice "meek." Maybe: My voice wouldn't come out, or describe it as a lame squeak, or something a teen would say.

    Try varying the sentence structure to convey mood:

    My heart pounded. Tears streamed down my face. I tried the phone on his desk. Dead.

    Also, you can lose the second sentence from the beginning by adding "office" to your third, like this:

    My father was dying and there was nothing I could do to save him. I’d never seen so much blood before, pooling around his body on the speckle-tiled floor of his office.

    One last thing, her "tiny" hands. I don't think she'd call her own hands "tiny." Maybe they were too small to hold back the flow, or they looked tiny against the huge gashes.

    Best wishes with this!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I was immediately drawn into the action! And I agree with what the other two critiquers said, great ideas! Shorten the action scenes and watch the voice.

    The only other thing I can offer is a fresh starting point--I would begin this story with the third sentence. ("I had never seen so much blood.") And then go on to describe the scene ("It pooled around his body on the speckled-tile floor. . . Dad was dying!")

    Finally, I too stumbled on the word 'meek' and 'tiny hands.'



    My father was dying and there was nothing I could do (Maybe cut this>to save him.)
    (When I walked into the office, MAYBE, START YOUR STORY HERE WITH THIS SENTENCE>) the first thing I saw was the blood. I’d never seen so much blood before, pooling around his body rapidly on the speckle-tiled floor. Tears streamed down my face and my heart was pounding. I tried the phone on his desk but it was dead. Screaming for help, I prayed someone would help us, save him in the way I couldn’t. But my voice sounded meek against the sound of my pulse in my ears and I wasn’t sure anyone could hear my pleas.
    “DAD! What happened?!” I cried out.
    Dad’s face was sweaty and pale, his lively green eyes dimming. His mouth kept opening and closing in an attempt to breathe, but all he could manage were shallow breaths. His graying-blonde hair was matted down against his skull. There were lines around his eyes and in his forehead I had never seen before, his expression not just pained, but torn.
    “HELP! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP US!!” My tiny hands weren’t enough to cover the stab wounds in his chest, warm blood seeping through my fingers at an alarmingly rapid pace. “Dad, tell me what to do! I can’t, I can’t stop the bleeding! I keep applying pressure but it just keeps coming!”
    “I’m sorry Kitty-Kat,” He wheezed. “No one can save me.”
    “No! No! NO! You can’t die, please! I need you, I love you, Dad, please don’t leave me!” I put my head on his chest, sobbing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow, thanks everyone! I'm glad you all liked it. This is actually my very first draft, I haven't done any editing or revising yet, so I'm really pleased with your comments! They'll help a lot when I get back to working on it in the next couple weeks.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I agree that there is a great hook here, but it does need work. Seeing as it's your first version with no revisions, you're on the right track.

    That being said, a lot of what has been mentioned before me is true. I was interested, but I wasn't involved, if you get what I mean. Cutting the adverbs and use of -ing would help a lot by giving it a more immediate impact instead of just an interesting story line.

    If your revisions work out, you could have people in tears on the first page, and THAT is a great hook!

    Good luck!!

    ReplyDelete