GENRE: YA paranormal
The giant oaks of the Red Forest loomed above me. Unease prickled down my spine. Something else was in the woods. Lurking in the shadows. Watching me. I froze mid-step, ice in my veins. Peered into the darkness with my breath caught in my throat.
Haven slammed into my back. “Greta, seriously?”
A shiver rippled through me. The thing in the shadows had taken my attention so completely I’d forgotten that my two best friends trailed behind me. What was that thing? Had I imagined it?
When I didn’t answer she stomped in front of me. “Don’t just stop like that.” Haven smoothed a loose strand of pink hair behind her ear. “Damn. Maybe I should take the lead.”
“Whatever, girl.” I risked a quick glance over Haven’s shoulder toward the shadowy figure. Gone.
“What are you looking at?” She followed my gaze.
Jill joined us, her blond hair swaying over her shoulders as she bobbed her head up and down. The giddy smile on her face said she might start clapping at any second. “Ooh, I hope it’s something witchy and dangerous.”
Jill was ecstatic to cast a spell with us. Haven hadn’t ever asked her and I’d never been skilled enough to lead a circle. Until now. I took a deep breath. Was I crazy for needing to do this? For wanting answers? Part of me had always felt carved out. Missing. Today, I was hoping to find a reason.
“Probably just a deer. Come on.” I gave Haven the let’s-move look and marched past both of them. Leaves crunched under my feet and a cool breeze nipped at my cheeks.
Haven raced up to my right side. “You do realize we’re gonna have to hike out of the woods in the dark, right?”
“It’s okay. The spell has to be done at sunset,” Jill chimed in on my left.
“How does she know that and I don’t?” Haven stopped walking. “She’s not even a witch.”
Very paranormal! I think all I could critique would be the showing. Perhaps describe what makes her think they aren't alone instead of telling us. Go into detail about the thing that's lurking and build up the tension before her friends talk. Scare us like her. Good job! Cheers.ReplyDelete
i like the opening paragraph right up to "ice in my veins". the next line is confusing. does she see something or not? when you talk about the thing in the shadows a few lines later, i'm wondering what thing? did i miss it? i agree that we need to see something of the incident, even if you don't want to show us exactly what it was, yet.ReplyDelete
the line, "whatever, girl." doesn't seem to match the character's inner self at all. she should probably think and talk the same, unless she putting out a fake persona to her best friends, which seems unlikely.
some of the dialogue seems stilted, unnatural, as if you are informing the reader of events and not naturally letting the characters interact. try to rephrase some of their interactions and yet still give of the bare facts we need to know to progress the story.
hope this helps! good luck with your story.
I'm curious as to what she thought she saw in the shadows. And is it still light outside? If so, why can't she see it better - like the colors and such? I think a little bit more info on this strange thing would go a long way to hooking your readers.ReplyDelete
Good start=) I would keep reading=)