GENRE: Contemporary YA
That last rum and Coke was a big mistake. I gripped the aluminum ladder. The world swirled around me. I burped and the sickly sweet smell made me gag. Mom would be so proud. I giggled at the thought, letting loose with one hand and swaying a little.
“Damn it, Sara, hold on with both hands up there,” Dylan called from below.
“Shhh,” I held a finger up to my lips and looked down at my date. “I got this.” I adjusted the plastic crown that had slid to the side of my head. I smoothed down the fly-away toile of the dress I borrowed from my sister Sam, straightened my shoulders, and started climbing. Man, is this thing wobbly. I started giggling again. I tried to choke it off, but ended up snorting instead. That only made me laugh harder.
“C’mon! You’re gonna wake up your parents.”
I sighed. Dylan was getting tiresome. He’d been awesome at the Spring Fling dance. He’d told me that I was beautiful and the kissing – oh, my God. I could’ve done that all night. My heel slipped on the metal rung.
“Ahhh!” I hugged the cold metal. It felt soothing on my cheek. Everything was spinning.
“Shit!” Dylan said. “Are you all right?”
“Mmm, hmm.” I clung to the flimsy ladder, still swaying. “Gimme a minute.” Looking up, I could see I was halfway there. My sister’s light was on. She had called me about two hours ago freaking out. I didn’t know why.
The only issue I can see is the time it took for her to get home after her sister called. Two hours seems a bit long, especially if the sister was freaking out and Sara didn't know what about.ReplyDelete
I think you've got a great start and you've done a great job of showing how drunk Sara is without any telling in it.
thanks, kathleen! i appreciate your comments.ReplyDelete
I definitely agree about the timing. Maybe cut out 'only made me' to "I laughed harder" to bring us into the drunkenness of it? Cut out 'had' in the near to last sentence.ReplyDelete
Otherwise, it's a good beginning.
yeah the two hours does stick out now that you guys are pointing it out. the time limit there isn't relevant, so that's easy to alter. thanks for the suggestions!ReplyDelete
This worked for me. I felt like it needed a little more sense of urgency (perhaps she's drinking because she's afraid she knows exactly what she's comign home to?), but it felt like it could really be happening.ReplyDelete
I would have kept reading if I had the chance.
thanks for your comments, aimee! so glad you would've kept reading.ReplyDelete