Todd Stowman groaned.
His eyelids fluttered open, and his vision was blurry. Somewhere in the room, water dripped into a pool in a constant staccato of plips and plops.
Todd squinted to try to bring his eyes into focus, as much as he could in the dim light anyway. The only illumination was a bare incandescent light bulb that flickered and sputtered, casting odd shadows all around. The whole room stunk of mildew mingled with rot. The walls, as much as he could see them in the wavering light, were slick with moisture and glistened with black mold. Where there wasn't mold, Todd saw bare concrete, pocked and pitted with the passing of time and the action of water.
He found a patch of bare concrete and stared at it for a long moment, trying to cut through the static in his brain. It was as if he were lost in a fog, with no beacon to guide him. The more he focused though, the more the fog began to lift. And as the fog in his mind began to recede, he became aware of a throbbing pain in the back of his right hand. When he tried to life it to get a look at what might be wrong, but he met unyielding resistance. He tried to lift his left hand as well, but met the same resistance.
I like this opening and the writing. I could only suggest editing out some unnecessary words (maybe).ReplyDelete
Cut out some bits that make it less active like 'made him'. Maybe cut out 'the only....was' so that the bulb is directly doing the action. That just might make it more tangible to readers. Cheers!
I noticed you used his name a lot more than necessary. I'd suggest cutting any after the first.
Also, I'm not really sensing his confusion. L.M has a good point of cutting out things like "made him." I think that would bring people into the story faster.
Good job! I'm curious to know where he is!
Nice. I had a good mental picture of where Todd was being held and I liked the overall tension/build up. I realize Todd has been unconscious, but as he's waking, I'd think he would start asking himself, Where am I? What's going? And maybe remembering just little flashes of how he got there...a light, pain, a voice, etc.ReplyDelete
The second sentence reads like a wandering body part to me. Maybe tweak?
Overall the description is detailed and paints a good word picture. I'd keep reading. :)
Like the title a lot...gives a sense of urgency.