Wednesday, December 14, 2011

December Buyer's Remorse #9

TITLE: The Hourglass Bridge
GENRE: YA Historical Fantasy

Midnight, 30th September, 1509

An hourglass stood on the altar stone in the centre of the clearing. Serena’s breath caught in her throat, as if she would never exhale again.

“Take the glass,” the witch instructed. “Turn it once and see that you have controlled time.”

It felt like ice in Serena’s trembling hand as she turned it. Beneath its surface, the rushing sands of time slowed to a trickle and were still.

Serena reached into her cloak pocket, reassuring herself that a second hourglass was tucked inside. It was her last remaining hope, but there was no guarantee she could deliver it into the right hands and every chance that the attempt would lead her into a trap. Serena swallowed dryly, fighting a wave of nausea at the thought. Such a betrayal would cost thousands of lives and rob her of her children… again.

She set the hourglass back upon the sacrificial rock.

“Alasdair,” the witch continued, “you too must control the passing of time.”

Serena glanced at her husband; his eyes, like hers, were wet. With slow, agonizing care, he completed his part of the spell. Then his hand found Serena’s and their fingers intertwined as they embraced this final, physical memory together. In marrying him, Serena had bound him to this fate. She wore her guilt like an open wound.

The witch smashed the glass against the altar stone and gathered a handful of ghostly white sand.

“Your palm,” she said softly. Serena raised it, and agony shot through her body.

7 comments:

  1. This definitely makes me interested to read on, as I'm really curious about what's going on. Nice job!

    A couple nits:

    "slowed to a trickle and were still" could be "slowed to a trickle and stilled"

    "but there was no guarantee she could deliver it into the right hands and every chance that the attempt would lead her into a trap" -- I'd change this to "but there was no guarantee she could deliver it into the right hands without falling into a trap." The way it is now, the wording makes it a bit confusing.

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  2. The way it sounds 'see that you have controlled time,' makes it sound like that happened in the past. Yet the witch tells the husband 'you too must control the passing of time.' If this is deliberate, disregard, but it sounds like a tense issue. It's definitely interesting though, with some great lines in there!

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  3. I'm curious as to Alasdair's part of the spell. His was summarized rather than shown. If Serena stopped time, was Alasdair's part to restart it so that they both could show their control?

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  4. Stephanie made a couple of the same things I found so I won't repeat.

    Overall, my curiosity is piqued and would love to read more to see where its taken. Great job!!

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  5. There's a lot going on here, for what I assume is the very beginning of your novel. A lot of layered emotion - I think on one hand, that's great because it raises a lot of interest. On the other, I feel like my mind can't pick a place to focus on, resulting in me being overall uninvested in every character you've mentioned.

    I think some of the phrasing is a bit awk:

    "but there was no guarantee she could deliver it into the right hands and every chance that the attempt would lead her into a trap."

    Overall, I think it has a lot of promise - it's definitely a descriptive scene. Would love to know more immediately what 1509 means for the context. Usually I find that if the date is mentioned before the chapter begins, there's something significant about it almost right away.

    Look forward to learning more though! Esp. the notion of marriage binding power and resulting in this guilt for the main character.

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  6. SUGGESTIONS TO CONSIDER:

    It felt like ice in Serena’s trembling hand as she turned. Beneath its surface, the rushing sands of time slowed to a trickle and were still.

    SERENA'S HAND TREMBLED AS SHE REACHED FOR THE GLASS. IT FELT LIKE ICE. SHE TURNED IT, AND TIME SLOWED TO A TRICKLE AND THEN STOPPED.


    She set the hourglass back upon the sacrificial rock. I NEVER BELIEVED SHE ACTUALLY LIFTED IT. YOU CAN CUT THIS LINE.

    (CUT “Alasdair,” the witch continued,) THE WITCH'S PIERCING DARK EYES TURNED TO SERENA'S HUSBAND STANDING BESIDE HER. “you too must control the passing of time.” THIS IS WHEN YOU NEED TO TELL US THAT THEY'RE MARRYING. DON'T RUSH IT

    Serena glanced at her husband; HUSBAND? NOT YET, THEY'RE STILL GETTING MARRIED. THE MAN SHE LOVED AND WOULD DIE FOR, MAYBE. OTHERWISE, WHY THE TEARS? his eyes, like hers, were wet. With slow, agonizing care, he completed his part of the spell. TELL WHAT HE DID AND DROP SLOW AND AGONIZING. Then his hand found Serena’s and their fingers intertwined. (CUT as they embraced this) A final, physical memory together. THAT'S GREAT! LOVE IT. In marrying him, Serena had bound him to this fate. She wore her guilt like an open wound. WHAT MARRIAGE? BE CLEAR EARLIER. WHAT GUILT? NO NEED TO BE MYSTERIOUS.

    The witch smashed the glass against the altar stone and gathered a handful of ghostly white sand. FROM WHERE?

    YOU BRING UP GOOD STORY QUESTION THAT MAKE ME WANT TO READ MORE FOR THE ANSWERS.

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  7. Wow, I was really hooked by this piece. There are only two things I would nitpick at. One, the adverb "dryly". Could she swallow and could you describe the dryness/rawnees of her throat another way? Two: You say "Serena" every second sentence. I think at least a few of these could be a simple "she". Besides that, though, I would love to read more.

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